Time for Change

Earth day came and went and I didn't even post. This made me realize something.

I've outgrown this blog.

Clean, Green and Mean is awesome but it doesn't reflect what I typically post about. I don't even know when my last post was that had anything to do with something green. And RARELY do I post mean things (except for the occasional digs here and there and those will surely continue). And, well...clean? I'm taking more showers these days so that is kinda outdated too.

I think it is time for a change. Change. Change is good.

So I'm moving.

No, not out of the state. Although, I'm sure that a couple of you are waiting and hoping for that.

I'm moving my postings over to my other blog "The Unexpected Good Life," which more adequately represents the topics of my typical posts. Basically, the covers anything I might want to write about.

Maybe someday I'll come back here but for now, I'm moving on. I hope you'll join me.

Fighting the Good Fight

I'm a fighter. When I believe in something, I fight. I refuse to settle. I fight until I win.

Some things in life are worth fighting for. No matter what. Even when the fight exhausts you. Even when the fight itself is kicking your ass and it seems like winning isn't in the future. Some times you have to keep fighting. You have to believe, pick yourself up off the ground and fight.

Your kids, your beliefs, your freedom, your true loves. All worth fighting for. No matter what the circumstances.

But everyone isn't a fighter. Fighting is too hard for some people. So they settle. Because not dealing with challenges is easier. People walk away from those that truly love them, they forget what is important to them and even watch their kids slip away from them...because they don't want to fight.

Fighting is tough. It isn't the easy road. But it is worth it. If you fight and lose, you know you gave it everything you had. If you fight and win, the victory can't be described in words.

Today I was reminded that fighting the good fight is worth it.

The key is always to know what the good fight is. Let the rest go.

I've been fighting the wrong fight. I already won my battle.

Thank you for the reminder. I am so happy for you. You never gave up. You kept fighting. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And I think the rest of your life is looking pretty damn good.

Pure Imagination: Candy Coated Goodness

When I was in fourth grade, a boy gave me a t-shirt and a rock. He didn't give it directly to me but the adorable childish gift made its way to me. I was embarrassed.

When I was in middle school, someone left an anonymous note in my locker. Someone left a teddy bear on my doorstep. A sort of secret admirer. A little weird but cute.

When I was in high school, a guy I had a huge crush on left a big, stolen, glowing, orange pumpkin on my porch. I thought it was funny. And cute.

A few years ago, a guy left a cologne soaked note at my door at home. Creepy.

Last summer, a guy left me an unsigned birthday card. Not cute. Not creepy. Confusing. Unnecessary.

Last week, someone left M&Ms on my windshield. Mean. Very confusing. Mean.

Why do people do things in hiding? Anonymous, per se? What does it mean? Does it mean nothing? Why can't people just be honest and open? Or at very least, think before doing. Not just about themselves.

Things that were cute in middle school and high school aren't cute anymore. Not to me. Not in my life. Not in this situation.

Sometimes you can't do cute little things for someone. You can't make a gesture. It isn't fair. It is confusing and it leaves people wondering what the hell it is supposed to mean. If you don't know and you aren't ready to be honest, then don't do it. If you are ready, do it. But be ready. Really ready.

Since I only have a sorta, maybe, might have...meant this explanation. I came up with my own. Know what I think it means? I think it means you want to bond. Cause sharing candy coated chocolate with little letters on it is deep sharing. Sharing that involves two people that are connected. Two people connected to something in common...candy coated chocolate goodness.

Do you want to bond? Over candy coated goodness? Or something else? For real?

Or do you prefer a world of chocolate and imagination? I think I know the answer.

Some Days

Some days are a struggle. A tired overwhelming heap of chaos, confusion and frustration.

Then there are some days...

Days when the sun is nearly gone and moon beaming above. When you pour yourself a glass of wine. Walk through the house that you love. Step out onto the deck that allows you to sit and think and reflect. Peek in on your adorable sleeping baby and lean over to give him a gentle kiss. Stop sit down and realize...this is a great life. I'm more capable than I ever imagined. I'm resilient. A fighter. I've overcome challenges. I've pushed, fought and received. I have so much that is good and amazing in my life. I'm proud of me.

This moment. I know it won't last forever. I know that every moment, everyday, every weekend will not be this great. There are still challenges ahead. Some known. Some unknown. But I want to recognize this moment. In the coming days, I will push myself to remember and dwell in this moment of utmost awesomeness instead of the other moments. This moment is worth reliving.

Today. This weekend. I win.

A New Lease

Do you ever just wake up and realize things are different? Your perspective has changed.

The sun is shining. You can hear birds. Your brain is less foggy.

I feel that lately. I needed a little kick in the butt and I got it. From an unsuspecting source. I got kicked when I was down. Never fun. But I firmly believe that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Even though I didn't like getting kicked and the harsh reality that accompanied it, it forced me to stand up tall, be strong, suck it up and keep on going on.

I'll never forget the kick. Nor should I.

I was stuck in a whirl of confusion. I got kicked in a fairly harsh, cruel way. Emotionally. It was a wake up call to my physically and emotionally drained body. I was hurting. This made me hurt even more.

It sucked. Part of me wanted to curl up and cry. I wanted to be sad about it. I was sad. But I refuse to wallow in sadness and self pity.

So I made a choice.

Change.

Make changes.

And take it one day at a time.

Every day is another day.

Now its been more than a handful of days. And a handful of choices. And a handful of changes.

All are good. Some are difficult. But all are a step forward.

I feel good about what I'm doing.

Sometimes if you can find the positive in a shitty situation, you get a new lease on life. And it's worth it.

blogalicious

I would say that I've missed documenting my various rants and perspectives but I haven't. The past two months have been so busy and chaotic, it has been nearly impossible to miss anything but my son. It's been survival mode. And so far, we have survived.

Maybe I'll write more frequently. Maybe not. If there is one thing I've learned for certain it is that I have no clue what tomorrow will bring. When one learns to rooolll with it, things get easier.

It feels like a lifetime has happened in the past two months. So much I could share but for now I'll keep it to a few bits...snapshots of life and lessons learned:

• Chocolate can cure most problems. But somedays there just isn't enough chocolate in the world.
• No matter what size jeans you fit into post baby, your body isn't the same. But it is worth it.
• You can only control you. At the end of the day, you sometimes have to let go of other people and stop thinking you can or should influence their decisions. You can only control you.
• Sometimes it is actually beneficial to imagine the worst case scenario cause many times, it really isn't that bad.
• It is okay to need a break sometimes.
• Blood doesn't make you family; it isn't a given, you have to earn it. And you can earn it, even without blood.
  
• You haven't truly worried until you are a parent, until you've sat up and watched a little someone's chest and belly move up and down, watching each breath with anticipation and delight.
• There comes a point when "I'm sorry" doesn't matter anymore. Some things can't be undone. Feelings can't always be fixed with a phrase, especially when it doesn't come with any true emotion behind it.
• The truth is often difficult but worthwhile.
• It is okay to make decisions but not okay to hide behind them. We all make choices. Make choices you can live with and stand up for, not choices you spend years hiding from.
• A smile and a giggle can truly make all the worries in the world disappear.
  
• Family is precious.
  
• There are somethings you just can't understand unless you've experienced; try to withhold judgment.
  
• Complainers suck. We all have choices. Stop whining. Take action. Do something about it.
  
• Some people are just cold hearted and cruel. Don't hate them, feel for them. Can you imagine what life is like when you are constantly punishing someone?
  
• March is the emotional end of winter and beginning spring. It doesn't matter what the temperature or how much it snows.
  
• Sometimes you have to just jump and have a little faith. And sometimes, it is an endless jumping game.
  
• There are a few people in life that you should be true to. Know who they are and honor that.
  
• Sometimes life isn't fair. But is it life. And less than perfect situations often turn out perfectly flawed things.
• Never forget to breathe. Breath is life (an alice quote).
  

Breathe and be well. Be optimistic. Be somebody. Be something. Be whoever you want to be, not who others think you should be.

Another New Year

I feel like I blinked and the end of the year is here. This is an incredibly momentous year end for me as it is not just the end of any year...it is the end of the most challenging, beautiful, frustrating yet rewarding year--complete with some of the weakest and the strongest moments of my life.

It was a year of heartbreak, and tears of sadness and confusion.

...of amazing joys, and tears of happiness and laughter.

...a year when I lost myself a bit. But found a stronger, more capable, independent me.

...a year filled with moments that left me wondering how I would go on.

...and many, many realizations that not only would I carry on but I would do so with grace, strength and new priorities as my foundation.

It was a year filled with lessons learned...

trust is a hard thing to gain and an easy thing to lose.

being trustworthy and vulnerable is scary and dangerous but worthwhile...even if you get burned...and you will sometimes get burned

recovery involves a little wall and that's okay too

a grown man can smash your heart into tiny pieces

a baby boy can mend the cracks and max out your capacity to love

if friendship is the cornerstone of a relationship, you'll never lose someone you love because you will always truly care about them

friends, family and sometimes complete strangers can put a smile on your face and restore your faith in the goodness of people. never lose faith in the goodness.

people cannot help you unless you let them...let them

Last New Years day I was filled with false optimism. This year I'm filled with optimism that is real. And realistic.

The road ahead is exciting. Challenging still. But I know every challenge is worth it and I know somehow, someway I'll get through all the challenges.

So, here's to surviving 2009. To holding on to all the great memories and moments and letting go of the resentment and hurt.

It's 2010 and I'm continuing to move ahead. Living in the moment of today and soaking it all in every day. Because there is a lot of amazing goodness in my life. And I never want to forget these days.

Here's to 2010. The best is yet to come.

So this is what it feels like...

A few years ago, I vaguely remember bitching about having to spend Christmas eve at my in-laws. And I'm sure that I've spent many holidays at home with my family complaining about the chaos. I might have even said in the past that I would rather be alone.

Be careful what you wish for.

It's Christmas Eve. I'm alone.

Well, not exactly alone alone. I have my baby boy. And truly he is more than enough.

But us being alone on Christmas Eve...well, it puts a new perspective on the holiday.

I went to the grocery store today. Everyone rushing around in the hustle and bustle of last minute preparation for big Christmas dinner. Not me. I just hadn't made it to the store yet this week.

I walked down the street. Stores, shops, restaurants all closing or already closed. Signs that read "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays" posted in doors.

Holiday cheer and family spirit seemed to be everywhere.

I hugged my little guy closer to my chest and patted his little bum.

A man yelled "Merry Christmas!" from the street. I looked up, smiled and returned the phrase. He looked back at me and said "Looks like you've got your Christmas gift right there with you."

I did. The best Christmas gift ever.

I turned the corner to my street and walked back home.

It's weird to come home to an empty place on Christmas Eve. So weird-I even thought about going to church. Then I decided it isn't "that" weird. At least not yet. By midnight mass I might change my mind.

What does someone do when they are alone? I'm suddenly wishing I would have picked up pizza or the proverbial Chinese food for dinner. Instead I think I'll microwave a baked potato. And maybe have a half a glass of wine. And I'm super thankful I have a DVD to watch. Maybe the Polar Express.

Yep. It is a little bit sad. I think I might understand just a tiny bit how the holidays can be sad for those that are alone.

I guess it is a reality check for me. The choices that I've made have led me here. I'm super thankful to have my little guy and I'm wishing I lived a lot closer to family or everyone was able to travel a bit more. But we all have priorities. Little guy is mine.

Soon I will sit on the couch. Hold my baby. And look at our tree. And know, that even if we are alone tonight, we have each other. We'll always have each other.

Dad--next year, count me in. Somehow.

AD--thanks for being the best and having us over today. You are the closest thing we have to family around here. And I think you are the greatest.

EW--thank you for having us over on Christmas day. It means a lot for us to have people to spend the day with.

M&M--see you when you get here. Fingers crossed.

Enough

Tis the season of excess, excess and stress. I love the happy holidays. Kidding aside, I truly do love Christmas and this year it seems better than ever before. The season of giving has me thinking about what is enough.

Not just with gifts but in general...being enough is a constant worry for me. I'm probably not alone here. I've worried about this before but now as a single Mom I worry about it even more. Am I enough for my baby boy? Do I spend enough time with him? Hug him enough? Kiss him enough? Teach him enough?

Being a Mom is a natural thing for women but society has created "norms" and "standards" that make it anything but natural.

So I worry...

For a while I had this crazy idea that I might be able to reduce my work schedule to 80% which would give me an extra day at home with my little man. I did a thousand different calculations to see if it could work. On the day I came to terms with the blatant fact that it wouldn't work, I sat on my couch, held my little love and cried.

What if I'm not enough? I'm just me. And I've spent the past three plus months doing everything I can to be the best mother ~and father~ to my babe. On the days I file his nails, use body butter on his sensitive skin and make him watch So You Think You Can Dance, I also put a football near him to practice his grip. Balance. I don't want to make him too much of a Momma's boy.

When he smiles and giggles back at me and cuddles up on my chest, I know I'm doing a good job. I know that he thinks I'm enough. It is a good reminder that enough is relative. I may not always be able to buy him the latest and greatest or the luxury of not working full time but I will always be able to love him enough. And that is what really matters. My love is endless for him. I think it is hard to understand this unless you are a parent. It is an amazing feeling.

So this holiday season, we'll cuddle in front of our Christmas tree (which I'm so proud of. one of the many things that seems simple but is slightly more difficult when you are a single Mom. I think I even got it straight in the stand. And the babe loves it), watch the lights and know how lucky we are to have each other. And that is enough. He will always have me by his side. Always.

And, thanks to all of our friends that have spent time with us this holiday season and invited us into your homes for Christmas. It is so nice to have somewhere to go and be a part of a family.

A Moment of Panic

Saturday was Halloween and as I sat on the porch handing out candy at a friend's party, I realized that the next day would be the beginning of November. November 1st. Already.

The next day I woke up. It was November 1st.

Then the moment of panic.

End of October means the end of Octoberfest. As in the beer.

How did the oh so long tenure of Octoberfest pass me by with merely one pint consumed?

Tragedy.

As of November 1st, if not earlier, liquor store stop stocking it and replace with Winter beers--goodbye Sam Adams and Harpoon Octoberfest. Hello tears.

It isn't fair. Why can't they extend Octoberfest? I just don't understand.

I was heartbroken that I missed out on the delicacy. So I decided to drop in a store to double check. Filled with hope.

I wandered through the store. Peering through the stacks of beer. And then. I saw it. There it was. The LAST 12 pack of Harpoon Oktoberfest.

So what if I only wanted a six pack. So what if I had to carry it home with a baby strapped to my chest.

I was happy. And one of these days, I'll even find time to drink one. And I'll make a toast to the fall. The very short season of Oktoberfest.