So this is what it feels like...

A few years ago, I vaguely remember bitching about having to spend Christmas eve at my in-laws. And I'm sure that I've spent many holidays at home with my family complaining about the chaos. I might have even said in the past that I would rather be alone.

Be careful what you wish for.

It's Christmas Eve. I'm alone.

Well, not exactly alone alone. I have my baby boy. And truly he is more than enough.

But us being alone on Christmas Eve...well, it puts a new perspective on the holiday.

I went to the grocery store today. Everyone rushing around in the hustle and bustle of last minute preparation for big Christmas dinner. Not me. I just hadn't made it to the store yet this week.

I walked down the street. Stores, shops, restaurants all closing or already closed. Signs that read "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays" posted in doors.

Holiday cheer and family spirit seemed to be everywhere.

I hugged my little guy closer to my chest and patted his little bum.

A man yelled "Merry Christmas!" from the street. I looked up, smiled and returned the phrase. He looked back at me and said "Looks like you've got your Christmas gift right there with you."

I did. The best Christmas gift ever.

I turned the corner to my street and walked back home.

It's weird to come home to an empty place on Christmas Eve. So weird-I even thought about going to church. Then I decided it isn't "that" weird. At least not yet. By midnight mass I might change my mind.

What does someone do when they are alone? I'm suddenly wishing I would have picked up pizza or the proverbial Chinese food for dinner. Instead I think I'll microwave a baked potato. And maybe have a half a glass of wine. And I'm super thankful I have a DVD to watch. Maybe the Polar Express.

Yep. It is a little bit sad. I think I might understand just a tiny bit how the holidays can be sad for those that are alone.

I guess it is a reality check for me. The choices that I've made have led me here. I'm super thankful to have my little guy and I'm wishing I lived a lot closer to family or everyone was able to travel a bit more. But we all have priorities. Little guy is mine.

Soon I will sit on the couch. Hold my baby. And look at our tree. And know, that even if we are alone tonight, we have each other. We'll always have each other.

Dad--next year, count me in. Somehow.

AD--thanks for being the best and having us over today. You are the closest thing we have to family around here. And I think you are the greatest.

EW--thank you for having us over on Christmas day. It means a lot for us to have people to spend the day with.

M&M--see you when you get here. Fingers crossed.