Clean, Green & Mean

Time for Change

2010-04-29T21:49:00.003-04:00

Earth day came and went and I didn't even post. This made me realize something.

I've outgrown this blog.

Clean, Green and Mean is awesome but it doesn't reflect what I typically post about. I don't even know when my last post was that had anything to do with something green. And RARELY do I post mean things (except for the occasional digs here and there and those will surely continue). And, well...clean? I'm taking more showers these days so that is kinda outdated too.

I think it is time for a change. Change. Change is good.

So I'm moving.

No, not out of the state. Although, I'm sure that a couple of you are waiting and hoping for that.

I'm moving my postings over to my other blog "The Unexpected Good Life," which more adequately represents the topics of my typical posts. Basically, the covers anything I might want to write about.

Maybe someday I'll come back here but for now, I'm moving on. I hope you'll join me.

Fighting the Good Fight

2010-04-23T23:10:00.003-04:00

I'm a fighter. When I believe in something, I fight. I refuse to settle. I fight until I win.

Some things in life are worth fighting for. No matter what. Even when the fight exhausts you. Even when the fight itself is kicking your ass and it seems like winning isn't in the future. Some times you have to keep fighting. You have to believe, pick yourself up off the ground and fight.

Your kids, your beliefs, your freedom, your true loves. All worth fighting for. No matter what the circumstances.

But everyone isn't a fighter. Fighting is too hard for some people. So they settle. Because not dealing with challenges is easier. People walk away from those that truly love them, they forget what is important to them and even watch their kids slip away from them...because they don't want to fight.

Fighting is tough. It isn't the easy road. But it is worth it. If you fight and lose, you know you gave it everything you had. If you fight and win, the victory can't be described in words.

Today I was reminded that fighting the good fight is worth it.

The key is always to know what the good fight is. Let the rest go.

I've been fighting the wrong fight. I already won my battle.

Thank you for the reminder. I am so happy for you. You never gave up. You kept fighting. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And I think the rest of your life is looking pretty damn good.

Pure Imagination: Candy Coated Goodness

2010-04-12T22:27:00.000-04:00

When I was in fourth grade, a boy gave me a t-shirt and a rock. He didn't give it directly to me but the adorable childish gift made its way to me. I was embarrassed.

When I was in middle school, someone left an anonymous note in my locker. Someone left a teddy bear on my doorstep. A sort of secret admirer. A little weird but cute.

When I was in high school, a guy I had a huge crush on left a big, stolen, glowing, orange pumpkin on my porch. I thought it was funny. And cute.

A few years ago, a guy left a cologne soaked note at my door at home. Creepy.

Last summer, a guy left me an unsigned birthday card. Not cute. Not creepy. Confusing. Unnecessary.

Last week, someone left M&Ms on my windshield. Mean. Very confusing. Mean.

Why do people do things in hiding? Anonymous, per se? What does it mean? Does it mean nothing? Why can't people just be honest and open? Or at very least, think before doing. Not just about themselves.

Things that were cute in middle school and high school aren't cute anymore. Not to me. Not in my life. Not in this situation.

Sometimes you can't do cute little things for someone. You can't make a gesture. It isn't fair. It is confusing and it leaves people wondering what the hell it is supposed to mean. If you don't know and you aren't ready to be honest, then don't do it. If you are ready, do it. But be ready. Really ready.

Since I only have a sorta, maybe, might have...meant this explanation. I came up with my own. Know what I think it means? I think it means you want to bond. Cause sharing candy coated chocolate with little letters on it is deep sharing. Sharing that involves two people that are connected. Two people connected to something in common...candy coated chocolate goodness.

Do you want to bond? Over candy coated goodness? Or something else? For real?

Or do you prefer a world of chocolate and imagination? I think I know the answer.

Some Days

2010-03-21T19:05:00.002-04:00

Some days are a struggle. A tired overwhelming heap of chaos, confusion and frustration.

Then there are some days...

Days when the sun is nearly gone and moon beaming above. When you pour yourself a glass of wine. Walk through the house that you love. Step out onto the deck that allows you to sit and think and reflect. Peek in on your adorable sleeping baby and lean over to give him a gentle kiss. Stop sit down and realize...this is a great life. I'm more capable than I ever imagined. I'm resilient. A fighter. I've overcome challenges. I've pushed, fought and received. I have so much that is good and amazing in my life. I'm proud of me.

This moment. I know it won't last forever. I know that every moment, everyday, every weekend will not be this great. There are still challenges ahead. Some known. Some unknown. But I want to recognize this moment. In the coming days, I will push myself to remember and dwell in this moment of utmost awesomeness instead of the other moments. This moment is worth reliving.

Today. This weekend. I win.

A New Lease

2010-03-09T21:57:00.002-05:00

Do you ever just wake up and realize things are different? Your perspective has changed.

The sun is shining. You can hear birds. Your brain is less foggy.

I feel that lately. I needed a little kick in the butt and I got it. From an unsuspecting source. I got kicked when I was down. Never fun. But I firmly believe that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Even though I didn't like getting kicked and the harsh reality that accompanied it, it forced me to stand up tall, be strong, suck it up and keep on going on.

I'll never forget the kick. Nor should I.

I was stuck in a whirl of confusion. I got kicked in a fairly harsh, cruel way. Emotionally. It was a wake up call to my physically and emotionally drained body. I was hurting. This made me hurt even more.

It sucked. Part of me wanted to curl up and cry. I wanted to be sad about it. I was sad. But I refuse to wallow in sadness and self pity.

So I made a choice.

Change.

Make changes.

And take it one day at a time.

Every day is another day.

Now its been more than a handful of days. And a handful of choices. And a handful of changes.

All are good. Some are difficult. But all are a step forward.

I feel good about what I'm doing.

Sometimes if you can find the positive in a shitty situation, you get a new lease on life. And it's worth it.

blogalicious

2010-03-02T23:23:00.002-05:00

I would say that I've missed documenting my various rants and perspectives but I haven't. The past two months have been so busy and chaotic, it has been nearly impossible to miss anything but my son. It's been survival mode. And so far, we have survived.

Maybe I'll write more frequently. Maybe not. If there is one thing I've learned for certain it is that I have no clue what tomorrow will bring. When one learns to rooolll with it, things get easier.

It feels like a lifetime has happened in the past two months. So much I could share but for now I'll keep it to a few bits...snapshots of life and lessons learned:

Chocolate can cure most problems. But somedays there just isn't enough chocolate in the world.
No matter what size jeans you fit into post baby, your body isn't the same. But it is worth it.
You can only control you. At the end of the day, you sometimes have to let go of other people and stop thinking you can or should influence their decisions. You can only control you.
Sometimes it is actually beneficial to imagine the worst case scenario cause many times, it really isn't that bad.
It is okay to need a break sometimes.
Blood doesn't make you family; it isn't a given, you have to earn it. And you can earn it, even without blood.
You haven't truly worried until you are a parent, until you've sat up and watched a little someone's chest and belly move up and down, watching each breath with anticipation and delight.
There comes a point when "I'm sorry" doesn't matter anymore. Some things can't be undone. Feelings can't always be fixed with a phrase, especially when it doesn't come with any true emotion behind it.
The truth is often difficult but worthwhile.
It is okay to make decisions but not okay to hide behind them. We all make choices. Make choices you can live with and stand up for, not choices you spend years hiding from.
A smile and a giggle can truly make all the worries in the world disappear.
Family is precious.
There are somethings you just can't understand unless you've experienced; try to withhold judgment.
Complainers suck. We all have choices. Stop whining. Take action. Do something about it.
Some people are just cold hearted and cruel. Don't hate them, feel for them. Can you imagine what life is like when you are constantly punishing someone?
March is the emotional end of winter and beginning spring. It doesn't matter what the temperature or how much it snows.
Sometimes you have to just jump and have a little faith. And sometimes, it is an endless jumping game.
There are a few people in life that you should be true to. Know who they are and honor that.
Sometimes life isn't fair. But is it life. And less than perfect situations often turn out perfectly flawed things.
Never forget to breathe. Breath is life (an alice quote).

Breathe and be well. Be optimistic. Be somebody. Be something. Be whoever you want to be, not who others think you should be.

Another New Year

2010-01-01T21:54:00.005-05:00

I feel like I blinked and the end of the year is here. This is an incredibly momentous year end for me as it is not just the end of any year...it is the end of the most challenging, beautiful, frustrating yet rewarding year--complete with some of the weakest and the strongest moments of my life.

It was a year of heartbreak, and tears of sadness and confusion.

...of amazing joys, and tears of happiness and laughter.

...a year when I lost myself a bit. But found a stronger, more capable, independent me.

...a year filled with moments that left me wondering how I would go on.

...and many, many realizations that not only would I carry on but I would do so with grace, strength and new priorities as my foundation.

It was a year filled with lessons learned...

trust is a hard thing to gain and an easy thing to lose.

being trustworthy and vulnerable is scary and dangerous but worthwhile...even if you get burned...and you will sometimes get burned

recovery involves a little wall and that's okay too

a grown man can smash your heart into tiny pieces

a baby boy can mend the cracks and max out your capacity to love

if friendship is the cornerstone of a relationship, you'll never lose someone you love because you will always truly care about them

friends, family and sometimes complete strangers can put a smile on your face and restore your faith in the goodness of people. never lose faith in the goodness.

people cannot help you unless you let them...let them

Last New Years day I was filled with false optimism. This year I'm filled with optimism that is real. And realistic.

The road ahead is exciting. Challenging still. But I know every challenge is worth it and I know somehow, someway I'll get through all the challenges.

So, here's to surviving 2009. To holding on to all the great memories and moments and letting go of the resentment and hurt.

It's 2010 and I'm continuing to move ahead. Living in the moment of today and soaking it all in every day. Because there is a lot of amazing goodness in my life. And I never want to forget these days.

Here's to 2010. The best is yet to come.

So this is what it feels like...

2009-12-24T16:43:00.004-05:00

A few years ago, I vaguely remember bitching about having to spend Christmas eve at my in-laws. And I'm sure that I've spent many holidays at home with my family complaining about the chaos. I might have even said in the past that I would rather be alone.

Be careful what you wish for.

It's Christmas Eve. I'm alone.

Well, not exactly alone alone. I have my baby boy. And truly he is more than enough.

But us being alone on Christmas Eve...well, it puts a new perspective on the holiday.

I went to the grocery store today. Everyone rushing around in the hustle and bustle of last minute preparation for big Christmas dinner. Not me. I just hadn't made it to the store yet this week.

I walked down the street. Stores, shops, restaurants all closing or already closed. Signs that read "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays" posted in doors.

Holiday cheer and family spirit seemed to be everywhere.

I hugged my little guy closer to my chest and patted his little bum.

A man yelled "Merry Christmas!" from the street. I looked up, smiled and returned the phrase. He looked back at me and said "Looks like you've got your Christmas gift right there with you."

I did. The best Christmas gift ever.

I turned the corner to my street and walked back home.

It's weird to come home to an empty place on Christmas Eve. So weird-I even thought about going to church. Then I decided it isn't "that" weird. At least not yet. By midnight mass I might change my mind.

What does someone do when they are alone? I'm suddenly wishing I would have picked up pizza or the proverbial Chinese food for dinner. Instead I think I'll microwave a baked potato. And maybe have a half a glass of wine. And I'm super thankful I have a DVD to watch. Maybe the Polar Express.

Yep. It is a little bit sad. I think I might understand just a tiny bit how the holidays can be sad for those that are alone.

I guess it is a reality check for me. The choices that I've made have led me here. I'm super thankful to have my little guy and I'm wishing I lived a lot closer to family or everyone was able to travel a bit more. But we all have priorities. Little guy is mine.

Soon I will sit on the couch. Hold my baby. And look at our tree. And know, that even if we are alone tonight, we have each other. We'll always have each other.

Dad--next year, count me in. Somehow.

AD--thanks for being the best and having us over today. You are the closest thing we have to family around here. And I think you are the greatest.

EW--thank you for having us over on Christmas day. It means a lot for us to have people to spend the day with.

M&M--see you when you get here. Fingers crossed.

Enough

2009-12-17T15:56:00.002-05:00

Tis the season of excess, excess and stress. I love the happy holidays. Kidding aside, I truly do love Christmas and this year it seems better than ever before. The season of giving has me thinking about what is enough.

Not just with gifts but in general...being enough is a constant worry for me. I'm probably not alone here. I've worried about this before but now as a single Mom I worry about it even more. Am I enough for my baby boy? Do I spend enough time with him? Hug him enough? Kiss him enough? Teach him enough?

Being a Mom is a natural thing for women but society has created "norms" and "standards" that make it anything but natural.

So I worry...

For a while I had this crazy idea that I might be able to reduce my work schedule to 80% which would give me an extra day at home with my little man. I did a thousand different calculations to see if it could work. On the day I came to terms with the blatant fact that it wouldn't work, I sat on my couch, held my little love and cried.

What if I'm not enough? I'm just me. And I've spent the past three plus months doing everything I can to be the best mother ~and father~ to my babe. On the days I file his nails, use body butter on his sensitive skin and make him watch So You Think You Can Dance, I also put a football near him to practice his grip. Balance. I don't want to make him too much of a Momma's boy.

When he smiles and giggles back at me and cuddles up on my chest, I know I'm doing a good job. I know that he thinks I'm enough. It is a good reminder that enough is relative. I may not always be able to buy him the latest and greatest or the luxury of not working full time but I will always be able to love him enough. And that is what really matters. My love is endless for him. I think it is hard to understand this unless you are a parent. It is an amazing feeling.

So this holiday season, we'll cuddle in front of our Christmas tree (which I'm so proud of. one of the many things that seems simple but is slightly more difficult when you are a single Mom. I think I even got it straight in the stand. And the babe loves it), watch the lights and know how lucky we are to have each other. And that is enough. He will always have me by his side. Always.

And, thanks to all of our friends that have spent time with us this holiday season and invited us into your homes for Christmas. It is so nice to have somewhere to go and be a part of a family.

A Moment of Panic

2009-11-04T10:27:00.004-05:00

Saturday was Halloween and as I sat on the porch handing out candy at a friend's party, I realized that the next day would be the beginning of November. November 1st. Already.

The next day I woke up. It was November 1st.

Then the moment of panic.

End of October means the end of Octoberfest. As in the beer.

How did the oh so long tenure of Octoberfest pass me by with merely one pint consumed?

Tragedy.

As of November 1st, if not earlier, liquor store stop stocking it and replace with Winter beers--goodbye Sam Adams and Harpoon Octoberfest. Hello tears.

It isn't fair. Why can't they extend Octoberfest? I just don't understand.

I was heartbroken that I missed out on the delicacy. So I decided to drop in a store to double check. Filled with hope.

I wandered through the store. Peering through the stacks of beer. And then. I saw it. There it was. The LAST 12 pack of Harpoon Oktoberfest.

So what if I only wanted a six pack. So what if I had to carry it home with a baby strapped to my chest.

I was happy. And one of these days, I'll even find time to drink one. And I'll make a toast to the fall. The very short season of Oktoberfest.

The Path

2009-11-03T22:48:00.002-05:00

We never know what the future holds for us. It's unpredictable and unknown but more often than we are able to realize, the future is exactly what is supposed to happen to us.

A year ago, when I thought about my future I imagined it a certain way. A way that made me smile and look forward to each and every day ahead of me. I was excited. I felt lucky. My path in life had joined up with someone else's and I was loving it.

Then the path hit a split. We had choices to make. We could carry on in search of happiness together or veer off in separate directions to pursue a different happiness...happiness without each other.

And, as is obvious, we went in separate directions. Each making decisions that would lead us somewhere else.

For a long time, I wondered what would have happened if we took the same path. I wished for that joint path.

But now I realize, there truly was no joint path. There couldn't be. Because there is only this. This life. My life. My today.

And I'm happier than I ever imagined I could be. Fulfilled in a way I never knew possible.

Every morning I wake up and smile at a little someone. I love unconditionally. Completely. Something I've never done before. I live for the moment and am sad to see each one end but thrilled about what might come in the next. And I know that this is how it was meant to be. I know that every ounce of sadness and every tear cried and every confused moment was meant to be. It was part of my path.

I don't question anymore. Or wonder. Or even wish. I look back with fondness, a little heartache, and a whole lot of thankfulness cause everything I experienced--not just in the last year, but in the last two years, five years, ten years, 30 years--it all happened for a reason. Every bump. Every bounce. Every good. Every bad. Every win. Every loss.

It was all part of my path. And now here I am. And here he is. And we are on a path together.

StrangerPhobia

2009-11-01T16:47:00.003-05:00

I never really understand how but people can pick me out of a crowd as someone that is not from New England.

I'm not sure what initially tips them off but ultimately it boils down to this: I'm friendly. I smile. I say hello.

At least to strangers.

The other day I stopped by the recycling center to drop off some boxes. I was in a hurry. Late for something and with baby in the car.

Then I saw an older, grey-haired man take a step toward me and smile. He said "you must have a baby."

I panicked. How could he possibly know this? Was it my only half put together outfit? Extra tummy jiggle?

Oh wait. It was the diapers.com box.

"Yes, I do," I responded.

He asked the usual how old question and I answered. Then he said it. The phrase I've heard so many times before.

"You aren't from around here are you?"

Nope. But I've been here for 13 years. And I have still haven't gone cold.

Turns out, he wasn't from around here either. He grew up in Michigan. My very own state of birth.

We chatted for a minute about the midwest, cost of living and kids. He was friendly. Nice. Seemingly innocent old man.

He said that people out here on the east coast have strangerphobia.

I agreed. And laughed.

People do have strangerphobia. No one says hello. No one smiles at strangers. To fit in, you must walk with your head down.

I've adjusted to it. But it took time.

And I still don't like it. I like friendly people. I like people from the midwest. The kinda people that drive into a neighborhood and wave and smile at everyone, even if they aren't sure who you are.

Once in a while, it's okay to talk to strangers. Just not the creepy ones.

4 p.m.

2009-10-20T23:54:00.003-04:00

I admit it... sometimes, I watch Oprah. It just so happens the babe often likes to eat around four and I can catch part of the show. It makes me feel like a little homemaker. A single mom homemaker. How cute. After that I usually bake something wearing an apron.

Anyways...

Today the show was about a bunch of women that contracted HIV as a result of sleeping with the same guy. He was convicted of assault with a deadly weapon and sentenced. That doesn't even come close to the suffring these women have and will experience.

The loverboy was sleeping with multiple women at once. Incredibly deceptive. When they spoke you could see that these are smart women, not floozies. How did this happen? How could these women fall for such a scumbag?

One word.

Trust.

Is trust a bad thing? Why do we trust people? Why do we let down our guards, let people into our lives and trust what they tell us? Why don't we build walls and never let anyone in?

In some ways, wouldn't life be easier if we didn't trust anyone? If we never believed someone when they said how much they cared and loved us? Being lied to is horrible. Lying to someone is horrible. We've all done it. Some in big ways, some in small ways. We've all been burned. Some times for lying and some times for being honest. Both--at the end of the day--circle around trust.

Maybe we should stop trusting people. Not just in relationships but in life in general. Strangers, friends, coworkers, lovers...

Or maybe it is worth the risk. Even if it means getting burned sometimes.

This is Life

2009-10-03T22:45:00.005-04:00

there are times when you realize life is precious. in so many ways. there is a circle of life and it is amazing, beautiful and tragic all at once. each and every day is truly a gift. something to be appreciated. just as life is created in a moment it can also be taken away. soak in every moment that you have.

let me first state what is probably the obvious given my hiatus from blogging--my life has changed. dramatically. a year ago i couldn't even imagine this and now here I am. Mom. Mom to the most amazing baby boy. he is my world. my one and only priority. he is determined to not let me sleep in anything greater than two hour segments. and he is the cutest thing ever. This is my life. He is my life. He is precious.

I wanted to say thanks to everyone that has checked in on me.

thank you for the phone calls.

thank you for thinking of me as a possible date for the 30-something, successful single guy. i'm out of the dating game for a while but its good to know i'm not totally ineligible to others.

thank you for the text messages and emails.

thank you for visiting.

thank you for all the adorable little gifts.

thank you for the flowers.

thank you for the chocolates.

thank you for the milf reference.

thank you. thank you. thank you.

I'll work on updating more often. There is plenty to talk about...

Just for you...

2009-09-03T21:52:00.002-04:00

Anonymous...you posed some very interesting questions. You clearly have a lot on your mind and my guess is you are struggling with some of these issues yourself. Or, maybe someone you care about is...a family member.

Regardless, I found your questions intriguing so thought I would answer them.

Karma
Yes, I absolutely believe in karma. But I don't think everything we encounter in life can be blamed on karma. We also must put things in perspective. On a rainy Saturday it is easy to focus on the negative, the things that go wrong. Is that really karma taking its toll on us? No. It's just life. Sometimes it rains. Sometimes things don't go quite as planned. Sometimes in the surprises, in the unplanned, there is amazing, wonderful good karma. We only know what happens to us...we have no idea what doesn't happen to us, what we just barely miss that could have changed our entire lives.

Abandonment
Abandonment is a term that is over used and improperly used. It is easy to say someone abandoned someone but did they really? I think true abandonment is rare. Rather I think people make choices. Sometimes people make seemingly selfish choices and sometimes they simply makes choices others can't understand. People walk away from people all the time. Does that mean they abandon them? I don't think so. Someone walked away from me. Someone walked away from someone that I care about. Would I classify it as abandonment? No. It was a choice. It was a decision to live a different life. It wasn't my decision to make. It was theirs and theirs alone. And for me, I wouldn't want to force someone into a decision... And, I know I'm more than capable. I don't need them to survive. If someone can stand on their own two feet, succeed on their own and still look at life and know that they are incredibly fortunate--could you possible say that they were abandoned? I wouldn't.

Image vs. Substance
I go for substance. Image is exactly that..image. And it is different from every perspective. If you live your life trying to fit into some image you'll never win. Letting image define you is like spending hours in a fun house with mirrors...you'll never figure out which image is real. And, you'll never be able to fit everyone's perfect image. So why bother trying? Instead, if you focus on your own substance, you can find happiness within yourself. Happiness that allows you to just be you, to live your life, free of concern about judgment. Image can't last forever. Even if you want it to. And truthfully, most people see through it. And sometimes, no matter which image you pick--perfect wife, perfect husband, perfect sister, perfect child, perfect employee--other images, perhaps realities, creep into your life because of the choices others make. I know people that have chosen image over substance. Lots of people do. And for every person that chooses image their is a person that knows the substance that exists behind the image, the reality. We could all go around busting up images and exposing people's true substance--making that decision for them. But we don't. Because everyone is entitled to their own decision. Even if we don't agree with the it. White picket fences, perfectly coordinated outfits and big diamond rings exist for a reason...and it rarely has anything to do with true substance.

Anonymous....Good luck to you and thanks for the questions. Maybe that helps you sort through whatever you are sorting through.

My closing advice...remember... Perfection doesn't exist. You can spend an eternity searching for it or you can accept reality, see the beauty in flaws, let go a little, and move on so you can truly live your life.

And for the record anonymous, I know every time you visit my blog. I appreciate the interest even if I find it a bit stalkerish. I know when someone else reads it too. I think you know them. Technology is amazing. But feel free to keep visiting. Your secret is safe with me. I'm cool with the anonymous image and postings.

Annnnooying

2009-08-30T22:24:00.002-04:00

Know what annoys me? Lots of things. I'm going to share just a few examples. Feel free to chime in with your own.

Meter Maids
I know it is your job but come on. It was freakin pouring out on Saturday. Can't you give us a break? I mean, it was literally two minutes after the meter ran out and you gave me a ticket. At very least, there should be some sort of alerting system to phones that says "sorry sucker. you just got a ticket" so someone doesn't then run out in the rain to put quarters in the meter only to find a ticket already there. (To be fair, I didn't run out in the rain. My friend did so I didn't have to. What a nice guy.)

Doors...without handles
I needed cash so I did what most people do. Checked out back for a money tree--negative. Went to the atm. I'm notorious for not having cash and it occurred to me, I could go into labor at any moment. What if all the kind people (inluding my amazing labor partner/birth coach/midwife/doula...all in one) were no where to be found and I needed to take a cab...but I didn't have any cash at home. Do I really want to be stopping at the atm on the way to the hospital in between contractions? Umm...no. so I went to the atm. In the rain. I parked and walked up to the door. Slid my card in and grabbed the handle....wait...where is the handle to the door? Look left. Look right. Nothing. Look down. Oh yes...of course, handle to door is on the ground. Someone broke it off. Lovely. Off to next atm...which leads me too....

People that Talk to me while at the ATM
So, I'm getting money out of an atm that, lets just say maybe has once or twice had a robbery occur at it. I tend to move as fast as possible, only use the atm during the day and always look over my shoulder. I was doing my usual routine trying to move quickly when the guy next to me looks and me and says "hey." Before responding I quickly hit cancel like five times hoping to withdraw my card. I mean I'm pretty tough but let's not kid ourselves. I can barely balance when I walk, I'm not exactly able to defend myself from some guy that wants to steal my mo-nay these days. After the machine loudly beeps from my excessive hitting cancel, I look at the guy and he says "Did you have trouble getting the door open to get in here? I did." Ummm...he is kidding? Serious? Is this a ploy? I take my card and tell him no I didn't, it wasn't shut all the way when I got in. He replies with an "Oh. I had a really hard time getting in." I wanted to tell him he should have just been glad that the god damn door had a handle. but I didn't. I just stood there. Pretending to analyze my card. He left. I got my $$ and walked back to my car. Quickly. In the rain. Note to everyone out there...the atm machine is not the place to strike up a conversation.

Red Box Users: If you don't know what you want, please let the rest of us return our movies while you giggle, read every freakin review and try to decide what you want to watch.
That almost sums it up. Seriously, if you don't have a clue what you want to rent, move over. I waited for ten minutes to return a movie while some couple tried to figure what movie they wanted to watch. She wanted something girly. He did not. He's picked all the movies except one for the entire five months they've been dating. They giggled. They touched each other in the way new couples do. Anyways, who rents a movie at 9:30 on a Sunday night?? Oh right, new couples do. New couples that are in that stage when you'll do anything to spend time together. The clock doesn't matter. Working tomorrow doesn't matter. Nothing seems to matter but spending a little more time together. Oh, those are the days. the carefree, blissful days. they really are. I once dated a guy that drove to my house before work in the morning just so he could crawl in bed with me for an hour before we had to get up and be off to our jobs because he couldn't come over the night before. I thought it was sweet and romantic. Maybe it was. Maybe I was naive.

Why Can't We Share the overhang at the gas station???
You know that nice little roof that is designed to just barely fit two cars under it so no one has to get wet in the rain while pumping gas?? Why do you have to hog it? Why in the world would you pull you car so far in so that the other car and person (perhaps me in this situation) not only has to stand in the rain to pump gas but the damn gas pump barely even stretches that far??? Common courtesy people. Seriously.

On the positive side...
I did have a nice weekend... Fell asleep on the couch watching football (my favorite part of football season...naps). I had a great brunch with a fabulous duo. Enjoyed some low key down time and the cool weather. Slept in. Had an all too serious but somewhat endearing text message conversation. Got some hilarious texts from a drunken friend (the jist of the messages being "i love you" on repeat.) Received a sweet email from a friend i haven't heard from in a while. Went to what is hopefully my last prenatal yoga class for much needed zen. And just generally enjoyed some of what are probably the last moments of life as a I know it.

All in all...not bad. Despite annoyances.

Notes to People

2009-08-25T23:43:00.002-04:00

Random notes to not so random people:

I hope I didn't really hurt your feelings. I don't think you are a downer. I love hanging out with you. And I promise, this isn't going to end. You'll be over again soon.

Even if you don't have a sister, we treat you like a sister. So it's like you have sisters.

Did you two really swap the frosting on the cupcakes? And I swear you were talking in a different language.

I don't like you. but I don't hate you. i definitely don't understand you.

Thanks for looking at my car and making me feel like it is fancy. I think it is fancy. But I would probably think a cardboard box on wheels with AC is fancy.

thank you and you and you and you and you and you and you for your help. i'm not always good at asking. thanks for volunteering.

My patience is gone. I can no longer handle your construction and traffic. I think I need some space.

I love your secret. I love that you let me in on it even more.

Sometimes you surprise me.

I'm still thinking about who I loved more. Even though that is strangely hard for me, I know who I love most now.

Thanks for checking on me. And constantly being there. And being ready. I'm excited to share this with you.

My advice: surround yourself with a few grounded people, a few realists, a few seemingly misfits and a few with seemingly perfect lives. All will surprise you. And, you'll always find something that helps you realize your life is normal or at least not totally wacky.

you are intrigued by me. doesn't it get old? will you move on at some point?

I truly don't know what the future holds. That isn't pessimistic just realistic. But I am glad to have you in my life. You've made me smile so many times that you couldn't possibly realize. Anything is possible.

I promise, I love you tons and I'm not going to forget you. You are one of "my boys." always will be.

It is nice to know that no matter how old we get, you'll always be willing to play your role and help me out.

Sometimes I can't tell if you are kidding or being serious. Sometimes I want to know, sometimes I don't.

i'm ready whenever you are.

You are one of the greatest people I know. Thank you for letting me still be a part of your life.

I love you and I'll never leave you.

Namaste

2009-08-24T21:47:00.002-04:00

I love yoga. Seriously love yoga.

I've been doing it for several years now. I enjoy the mental, physical and spiritual elements of it. Probably the spiritual part the most.

I love the Americanized version and the version I briefly learned and practiced in India...very different.

I used to practice hot yoga and had the best teacher. The infamous Alice. I miss Alice. I miss her sayings. And her spirit. I hope I'll be able to find a way back into her classes post-baby.

Hot yoga isn't on the recommended list during pregnancy so I started taking prenatal yoga.

I was skeptical at first. Even though the class came with solid recommendations. I wanted a class that would be somewhat challenging, relaxing and help me connect with the moment.

I went to a class at O2 Yoga in Somerville with Barrett Lauck. She has a great site and blog with yoga info too.

I was impressed. Barrett is fantastic. She has an incredibly warm personality that makes you feel cozy and at home immediately. She teaches an excellent class that is challenging yet adaptable throughout pregnancy. Even in the final weeks.

And, it is super fun to go to each week. To see all the other pregnant women, share stories and watch everyone progress. It is funny and fun to go from barely a bump to one of the biggest bumps in the class.

More than anything, the class is a time to really connect with yourself and your baby. To zone out on all the chaos in life and focus on the little miracle growing in your body.

That connection...the inner peace and balance...that is what is central to yoga.

Pregnant or not, male or female...if you've never tried yoga, you ought to. It is so good for the soul. and the mind.

May the inner light in me, honor the light within you.

And remember, focus on breath. Breathing is core.

PS. This is a rare dual post. Seemed fitting for both.

Feeling the End...

2009-08-21T22:47:00.003-04:00

Do you ever have the "feeling" you know something is going to end? Sometimes it's sad. Sometimes exciting. Sometimes a mix of both.

I'm the kind of person that tries to soak up the last moments of everything. to really take in everything in hopes that I'll never forget what the experience was like. Even if it is a really tough experience.

A few days ago, it became clear that summer is coming to an end. I sat on my deck as the darkness closed all around me and soaked in every last moment of the day. I realized all the things I didn't do this summer and the things I did do. Summertime bliss. I tried not to be sad. I tried not to focus on not knowing when I would have a moment like this again. Instead I focused on the future. And the great things that are ahead.

All the focus on things that end reminded me of that feelings that come over when you know a relationship is ending. Sometimes you just know it. Even if you don't want to admit. So you take extra moments to memorize what it feels like to lay on top of someone snuggled up together, how cozy it is to nuzzle your face up in their neck, how they smell sometimes like soap and sometimes just like them, you look into their eyes are take in what it feels like to have them look back at you...like nothing else in the world exists...even if just for a moment. And you pretend that it will last because that is the best way to enjoy the final moment...even if you know it can't possibly...no matter what words are exchanged. And then soon, reality sets in and it's over. Gone. The end. And you are forced to look ahead. Maybe you wanted this future. Maybe you didn't. Either ways, the future is yours.

There is something a bit sad about the last moments...or more so the realization of the nearing end. Regardless of whether it is a relationship, a season, a really good song, an incredible challenge, a marathon run, an even just an amazing conversation.

but no matter how hard it can be to say goodbye and no matter how tightly you hold on...the end is inevitable. And that isn't a bad thing. Even if it is a sad thing. Sometimes.

Life goes on. And what's next is often better. Even if its unknown.

It feels like so many things are coming to an end soon. Some that I'm ready to kiss goodbye. Some that I'll miss. Some that I'll be glad to never have to deal with again.

I'm soaking up the final moments. I'm looking ahead.

I've accepted the end. I'm ready for what's next.

Something New...

2009-08-17T22:57:00.002-04:00

Life is going to change soon. Real soon.

All the change made me consider giving up this blog or changing the focus. But I like it the way it is too much to change it or to abandon it.

It is such a fun outlet for me. Somewhere to talk about everything and nothing. Somewhere to share and overshare. A place to be obvious and cryptic all at once.

And occasionally somewhere to offer a green tip. Cause that's how it started...

But, I have all these other thoughts and questions now that are baby related. And I have a feeling everyone that reads this doesn't want to read about my baby questions and concerns day after day.

So, I started a second blog a while ago. It's about my life and experiences as a Mom. A journey that began months ago. It is appropriately named The Unexpected Good Life. And that is the truth. I love this unexpected life. I wouldn't change it for anything.

If you are curious, check it out. I think it'll be fun.

Three Things...

2009-08-16T21:43:00.002-04:00

"some people have all the luck." That was my favorite phrase of the weekend. I have a feeling there is more to this phrase, and a story of some sort behind it, than I know. nonetheless the usage I heard was hilarious. And oh so true.

holding onto mementos from the past often equals a bad idea. Here's just one example. for some strange reason i've kept a can of mandarin oranges for ten years. I know its bizarre. There wasn't even much meaning to them except that it became funny to keep packing the can up after each and every move. A funny reminder of college. Well, apparently after years the acidity of the oranges ate through the can and the syrup leaked all over my cabinet. a wonderfully lovely funny mess.

if something doesn't make you happy, it probably isn't worth doing. For example, let's say that you read this blog. Frequently. And it never makes you laugh or smile. Instead it makes you frustrated. Annoyed. Angry. Why keep reading? I wouldn't. You probably shouldn't either. For your own sanity. Sometimes it's best to just move on. As much as you can.

I Heart....

2009-08-14T23:27:00.002-04:00

summer...so much

the beach

the random thoughts that go through Lauren's head

ice cream

the vagabonds that hang out in my park...cause they keep it real and seem to laugh at me everytime I walk through...maybe it has something to do with whatever is in those paper bags

the ipod mix i'm creating of the most awesome, calming tunes for my little guy

fro yo with the curly haired and not so curly haired girl

the super sweet indian woman and new mom that i randomly run into walking to the grocery store

blueberries. yum.

the nice man that carried my groceries to my car last weekend

yoga

one of the only people out there that might be nastier than me; please add more "I hate you" thoughts

the kindness of strangers, many of which that have become less stranger

country music, especially in the summer

friends--old, new, long lost, always been around and newly found

dancing and singing when i'm home alone cause it doesn't matter how bad i am

so many things that i heart. so so many.

Things Forgotten and Remembered

2009-08-14T23:10:00.003-04:00

Sometimes it's hard to remember something that shouldn't be hard to remember. Other times it's hard to forget something that you desperately want to forget.

I often wonder if we remember and forget by choice or if it just happens.

Maybe its a little bit of both.

Both have their time and place.

Sometimes there is nothing better than a long lost memory or even a memory that cautiously and constantly sits near the front of your mind.

Other times there is nothing better than realizing you've forgotten something.

I forgot something. And when I remembered that I forgot it, it made me smile.

I like forgetting. Sometimes. It creates space for new things to remember. There are a lot of new things to remember.

For the things that I really really want to remember, I bought a little Flip Digital video camcorder. I'm excited to try it out. And to remember. Forever.

Faith a Faith a Faith

2009-08-09T10:41:00.003-04:00

It seems like yesterday I was standing on the fireplace mantle singing and dancing to...George Michael. In my memory, my brother and sister sang and danced alongside me. But that is probably my mind playing tricks on me. Especially the brother part. But hey, this is my blog...my memories.

Most of the singing and dancing happened in the living room. With extra space for singing and dancing. Most importantly, near the stereo system. (Remember when at home stereo systems included speakers that were nearly taller than you??)

The Faith album was awesome back in the late 80s. Awesome. We danced to "Faith," "Monkey" and if feeling really daring "I Want Your Sex." But not very often. I mean, I was at least raised Catholic.

Recently I found myself thinking about Faith. No, not George Michael and his album--that came later--but faith in general.

Having faith.

The importance of faith.

The benefits of faith.

I think faith is what gets us through the tough times. Faith doesn't mean having answers or understanding "why me" or "why now" or anything like that. It just means believing that somehow, some way you'll get through something and come out stronger on the other side...no matter what that other side looks like.

It definitely doesn't mean it'll be an easy process or the other side will be easier but it means it is worth it. It is part of the journey. No matter what decisions you make.

I think there are moments in most people's life when we think we aren't going to make. Things seems like too much of a challenge and you just can't possibly deal with a situation. But you have to. So you make decisions. You chose every day how you live your life and what you want your future to be...even when that decision isn't easy.

And hopefully, you have faith.

Faith that nothing would be placed in front of you that you can't handle. Faith that life is amazing if you chose to experience it and be a part of it. And faith that even when things don't go as planned, that doesn't mean they are wrong. Sometimes it is the challenge that makes the experience.

Faith.

or

Faith a faith a faith...as George would say.

I know that road ahead for me is going to be super challenging. But I'm so ready. And so excited. And I have so much faith.

Faith (and a few other things) has gotten me this far. I adore my life. It took some ups and downs to get to this point but this point wouldn't be this point without those experiences. This life wouldn't be this life without those experiences.

In someways getting to this point took forever. In other ways, it happened faster than I could have imagined.

Maybe because I have the most amazing little miracle to look forward to. Maybe because I simply choose to be strong and happy and at peace. Maybe because I was forced to so quickly realize that something I thought was so amazing was merely my perception and not a reality. Maybe because I've realized what amazing people are in my life and how fortunate I am.

Who knows. I don't really care why.

All I know is I've had faith. I continue to have faith.

And someday, I'll play "Faith" and dance around in my living room with the most important person to ever to come into my life. And, he'll probably tell me I'm old. And sooo not cool.

And he'll be right.

Keep the faith.

The Art of...Texting??

2009-08-03T20:51:00.000-04:00

Call me old fashioned but when did texting get so out of control? When did it become the primary form of social communication?

Sure, I've known for a while that texting provides an easy out...

Want to cancel on a friend at the last minute? Send a text.

Want to say something mean to your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse? Text message that nasty bitch/asshole.

Meet someone at a bar but too chicken to actually call them? Text! So safe (and so easy to ignore).

One of my favorites...friend's birthday? Nothing says "you are such a great friend" like a birthday text!!

The world of text messaging apparently developed while I was still figuring out how the world wide web works and trying to decide if a camera phone is a good investment. I knew that texting had become common (hey...I finally signed up for a text plan. although, apparently I'm the only one who doesn't have the unlimited plan) but I had no idea that it had nearly replaced conversation.

Recently, I've been in touch with a friend of mine from years ago. Actually, I use the phrase "friend of mine from years ago" loosely because after five text messages, we've "talked" more than we did in the many years we "knew" each other. But that is beside the point...sort of.

So, after a few emails (via Facebook, of course), the texting began. Texting is fun. It's cute. It's easy and flirtatious. But seriously, after a few conversations via text, I was feeling...well, strange and cheated. Watching and waiting for my phone to vibrate with a response to a question was getting old. Hours of text discussion that could have taken place in 30 minutes of conversation was quickly becoming too bizarre for me.

I suggested a phone call.

A what?

Yes, a phone call. An actual live discussion.

After what I imagine was initial shock, my text message friend agreed to call sometime soon. But a few text message conversations later, the phone call idea seemed to disappear. So I called. Hey, I'm a girl of my word. I'm not going to suggest a phone call then keep texting. There was no answer. I left a message. On the plus side, I was relieved to hear that my friend actually does have a voice and can speak. I had begun to wonder about this...

After that I felt confident a return call would be in the immediate future.

Nope.

Eventually, I drew the line. No more texting unless I get a phone call. (Who doesn't love an ultimatum? It's the perfect way to get what you want.)

I was talking to one of my girlfriends about this and how bizarre it seems to me. She laughed at me. Then told me no one talks on the phone. Everyone texts.

Really?

Am I the only one that would occasionally, or more than occasionally, prefer a phone call to a text?

Maybe.

A few days later I mentioned that I was planning to write about this topic to another friend. We both agreed that texting is out of control and in many situations it makes most sense to pick up the phone and call. We talked about how no one actually talks and how sad it is. Then, he pointed out to me that we were "talking" via IM. Riiight. Good point. But it was during work and I was multi-tasking; I sold myself on that thought to feel less hypocritical.

Then I sent my text message friend a text. I felt better.

It is a crazy techno world we live in and I'm just a girl with a cheap phone, text plan with limits (which i monitor closely) and a sore texting thumb. I guess I need to get up to speed and adapt. Or else I'll be left behind...waiting for my phone to ring.

Eventually though, I did win. I got my phone call. And another one. And another one. And you know what? I still like the phone call. I liked talking. And I am certain that I learned more in one phone conversation than I possibly could have in months of texting.

So for now, I'm not going to upgrade my text plan. I'm not going to give up hope completely on phone calls.

And, if all you ever get is a text message from me. Well, I think you can probably figure out what that means.

**To my friend the text messager: I'm 99% sure you don't read this. If you do, I hope you laughed. And were not offended. I do like your text messages. A lot. I just like phone calls too.**

Defining a Family

2009-08-01T23:24:00.002-04:00

Years ago I made the decision to move away from my family. I love my life. I love my job. I love where I live. I love my city. I miss my family.

I don't have a single relative within almost 1000 miles. It can be challenging, especially during the really good and the really tough and the moments in between.

But I do have family here. I have some of the most amazing, caring, loving friends ever. I'm eternally grateful to them.

These are friends that would literally drop anything to be there for me. They are the kind of people that check in on me, that have let me lean on them in tough moments and have let me share joyous moments. They volunteer to help me, support me, and be there for me during what will be the most amazing yet toughest (not to mention least modest) day of my life so far.

They are my family too. And I know that I'm so lucky to have them. And so thankful.

Lauren and Lisa--thank you. So much. You've done so much for me. Today was a great day. The shower was beyond wonderful.

And to everyone else that came today...thank you. You all mean a lot to me. I can't wait to introduce you to the little guy. Soon. But not too soon.

A Haircut is Never Just a Haircut

2009-08-01T00:10:00.005-04:00

Some people go to fancy hair salons where the music is loud and everything is European. I hate those places. They are overpriced and annoying.

For years, I searched around for a salon and stylist that I loved. Nothing. Then I stumbled upon Hair Connection...a gentle recomendation from someone that never set foot in a salon for a haircut and had spent enough time with me to know that he did not want to be anywhere near the blame for my next salon fiasco.

Hair Connection (Cambridge) isn't the kinda place you would walk by and be drawn into. But once you go in, it is hard to imagine going somewhere else. Hair Connection is more than just a salon. It's like a visit with family.

Have you heard of Steven Leavitt and Freakanomics? (If not, you should check out the book.) Years ago, he started getting his haircut at Hair Connection. They people there introduced him to his wife. Years later he wrote about it in his blog. This is a perfect depiction of what the place is like: "more than just a haircut."

I haven't had my hair cut in ages and it has been growing like a weed. Combine that with the fact that I have a ton of ridciulously thick hair and I was in desperate need of a cut. Desperate.

So I strolled into the salon. Looking like I could very possibly give birth at any moment. I hadn't been in for a cut or color during my entire pregnancy but they had heard. (It's a small Cambridge world...I go to the same gym as the owner of the place.)

True to form, they had questions. It was funny and cute and sweet and endearing and hilarious--all at once. And, strangely not the least bit embarrassing. Not even when they asked me about my "boyfriend." Or my ex-husband. Or the baby's father. They asked with such open curiousity and enthusiasm that I giggled through the explanation and felt incredibly fortunate as the baby kicked away. I promised to send pictures and bring the baby in for a visit.

And, I think, at the end before I left, I got an extra look and reassuring smile from the crew there. I think it was because of the upcoming birth, the little piece of joy that will be entering this world and I will take care of...but it could have been because I walked away promising not to wait so long between cuts ...the same broken promise they hear from me every six months when I visit (only this time it was almost eight months). And yet, they always remember me. Always.

Gettin Buck

2009-07-29T23:03:00.002-04:00

Given that I'm originally from Flint, Michigan which is only a few steps above South Central, I'm a fan of Lil' C and krumpin. I'm working on my skillz. A few of us will be on tour next spring bustin out our krumpin. The show is going to be called "4WhiteGirls. Gettin Buck."

Speaking of white girls, my friend Lauren has a blog and she recently talked about toothbrush sharing. She was away on her honeymoon and due to a lost bag found herself without a toothbrush. Little did she know, her new husband was not into the idea of sharing. I was surprised by this. Personally, I think the idea of sharing a toothbrush is cute and romantic. It reminds me of those first few nights you spend with someone that weren't originally intended to be overnights but somehow became so. The next morning the option is 'skip the teefs' or share. I go for sharing.

There are so many cute little romantic things that happen early in a relationship. I love those things. Those are the things you want to hold onto and remember years down the road when you forget what brought you together. The toothbrush sharing, the way you can just watch someonesleeping when you first spend the night together, how it felt to fall asleep beside them and know they would be there in the morning still beside you, the way they cautiously kiss immediately after waking up, the way you can curl up in someone's arms and sleep away the entire morning, how they look when they crawl out of bed into the freezing cold air and you can't wait to get them back in bed with you... those are always great memories.

I'll share my toothbrush again.

But I promise it is a different toothbrush than I shared last time. And yes, I have all natural, chemical-free toothpaste that is super yummy and fresh but visitors tend to hate it. Consider this a warning.

Pointless Thoughts

2009-07-27T22:52:00.004-04:00

Yeah I know... my frequency has diminished a bit recently.

I had a very 'angsty" period for a while and that fueled many, many postings. I haven't been feeling angsty lately and I like it.

It's good. I'm enjoying it and many other things in life.

There have been some little things lately that I've been enjoying. Sometimes the little things truly do go a long way.

Recently I also started a gratitude wall and I love it. Since I spontaneously painted a chalkboard wall last year, why not take advantage of it? Most days I write something on it that I'm truly thankful for. Really helps you focus on the positive and realize how amazing life is and how lucky you are. It is way too easy to lose sight of those things.

So without a bunch of angst and frustration, I have time to think about innane things like...

How much I would love to slap V-tek on the ass. Does he not have an awesome ass? And a hot ass in baseball pants is like a doubley hot ass.
How come when you eat corn some of the kernals come out whole in your poop? That is weird. I wonder if it means you are absorbing less nutrients from corn.
Why in the world have I saved every extra button from clothes purchased in the past ten years and yet never used one? And why were all these buttons hiding in my underwear drawer? And why when I organized lately did I hang on to these buttons and not throw them away?
Why did I wait so long to box things up and put them "away," far, far away? Sometimes it is good to rid your life of clutter.
I love cherries. Like really, really, really love cherries. I hated them when I was kid. Much like cheese.
How funny is it when a "homeless" man at a stoplight collecting money starts telling you about the beer he had hidden "right over there" that somebody stole...his words not mine: "who would do that? who would come and steal my beer and just walk away with it?" Very good question. I was almost compelled to give him some change. But I didn't. I should have driven back over with the leftover Heineken in my fridge that I can't seem to get anyone to drink.
Cable TV is such a rip off. But I really miss NESN.
How many text message conversations does it take to make you feel like a 13 year old teeny bopper?
Skype is so awesome. I love it. (Not quite as much as cherries but it is a close second.)
Seriously, how awesome is Boston in the summer? Such a great, amazing city.

And so many other random thoughts. Pointless thoughts. Sometimes pointless thoughts are the best kind.

The Good, The Bad, The Funny

2009-07-20T22:20:00.004-04:00

The Good
I went to the beach last weekend. I love the beach. Beyond love it. If I had to pick one place to spend the rest of my life, it would be the beach. there is just something about it that is calming, relaxing and invigorating all at once. I love the water and the waves. I love the sand. Especially when it takes days to get it out of my hair.

I truly feel like I need the water and the beach. I'm super calm there. If too much time passes since my last beach visit, I get antsy. Almost desperate.

And it was the most beautiful beach weather this weekend. Heaven.

Also in the super good category, caught a glimpse into the belly last week. So cool and amazing. And absolutely adorable.

The Bad
I realized that the days are getting shorter. I mean, I knew it was happening but now I can tell. I know, I'm totally a downer. Time is just going by so quickly right now. It's bad but good too.

The Funny
Sometimes people say the funniest things. A few of my favorites comments from recent days:

"Umm....what kind are your having?"
The good kind, I hope.

"I don't think she likes me."
Said within two feet of a woman that I'm sure could here this comment. Then again, I learned that if the person that you are talking about speaks English as a second language, apparently you can talk about them when they are right across from you and they won't understand you...or hear you.

"Are those cherries? Cause my dad told me if you swallow one of those pits, cherries will start growing out of your ears."
I can't decide if I should or shouldn't swallow a cherry pit.

"Nothing better than pregnant girl sex on the beach. It's every man's dream."
I've heard the beach part before but the pregnant part is news to me. I think someone was just trying to make me feel good. Hey, I'll take it. It's the thought that counts right? To be fair, this was followed up with a "just kidding." I decided not to ask which part he was kidding about.

"Yep. That is one big baby in there."
Hey, if you going to do it, do it all the way. Don't half ass it. This is my kind of kid.

These things make me laugh. It's good to laugh.

Just a Song

2009-07-18T11:18:00.005-04:00

Sometimes it is just a song...

Sometimes it isn't.

Some songs will always come with memories. Memories of someone, something or someplace. Like all those songs intricately placed and aligned on a homemade (or studio made) mix tape with some of the sweetest comments ever interspersed between. "Kiss the Rain" will always be a memory for me. Always. There are a few others like that.

Memories can be a good thing.

For the record, I love mix tapes. I think we can separate all people into two types: those that think mix tapes are super sweet and cool AND those that could care less. I've come across both kinds of people. Mix tape people are maybe closer to my type. What can I say, it's the "small things" that make me smile; the things that truly show someone cares and actually thought about you.

Then there are songs that you think will always remind you of someone, something or someplace. It seems you will never separate the song from the person or event.

Then without realizing, you hear the entire song. And it ends. And only then do you recognize that you listened and sang along and never thought of that person or event. There is something refreshing about that. Something worth smiling about. Doesn't mean the memory is gone but the intense association is lessening.

Speaking of songs, I recently heard a good one that I wanted to share. Fine, I admit that I heard this on So You Think You Can Dance (which I think does a great job of exposing some really good tunes)...

Anyways, I think this is a really great song by Sara Bareilles so I wanted to share. She has such a beautiful voice. It is worth a listen... lyrics below. I'm categorizing this as "just a song," at least for me, for now.

GRAVITY

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that
You're keeping me down

Keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me and all over

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long...

For Every End...

2009-07-14T22:26:00.002-04:00

...there is a beginning. Even if it isn't the beginning you anticipated there is a beginning nonetheless.

Today marked an end and a beginning for me. I was more than ready for both.

Whenever I come to an end, it forces me to look back and think about what happened, what would I change, what I would do differently and what would I do again. There is a lot that I would change about the last year but much of it I wouldn't. It was a year of taking chances; taking a gigantic leap of faith. It was a year of ups and downs and amazing moments and incredibly sad moments. It was a year that changed my life in so many ways. A year that offered up many experiences and lessons that have shaped me into the person I am today and the mom that I'll soon become. I wouldn't change that for the world.

It was a tough year and an amazing year all at once. It was an incredibly lived year. It wasn't the kind of year where you just sit back and take life in...it was a year where I made decisions and took chances. I lived my life.

But it was also a year that I'm glad to say good bye to.

Not because it was bad but because I'm ready to move on. To move forward. To live my life. This life. This newly shaped life.

Maybe that is how life is supposed to be...where the past is the best preparation for the future and we find ourselves anxiously looking ahead instead of sadly looking behind.

Who knows.

All I know is I'm ready for what is next. So ready.

Thank you to everyone that was part of my life last year. Some in big ways and some in small ways. Some in obvious ways and some in ways that people will probably never realize. You've all had an impact on me. And to everyone that continues to stand beside and will come to stand beside me in the next year--I can't wait to begin the journey with you.

Here's to what's next...

Things that Sparkle

2009-07-12T17:12:00.003-04:00

I want a boyfriend that sparkles in the sun. I'm not really into things that sparkle generally speaking but a sparkly boyfriend seems ideal.

Even better if he is a romantic vampire that happens to be super yummy looking. With amazing hair.

I finally succumbed to Twilight. Despite what everyone had said, I thought it was for teeny boppers. I just wasn't interested. But after a very fun, but exhausting day with a friend, I borrowed the DVD and watched.

wow. that was good.

the first kiss in that movie is to die for. i thought i was going to melt just watching it. the anticipation of the moment, waiting for lips to touch; it felt so real. it reminded me of first kisses. of the growing anticipation, nervousness and excitement all at once. there are some first kisses that I will never forget. never.

and the dance scene at the end of the movie is beyond sweet. to not want to change someone but to just love them for what they are as long as possible...does it get any better than that? there is something remarkable about a dance with someone; an impromptu slow dance that brings you closer and closer together--again filling you with anticipation.

so if you know any irresistible, sparkly, romantic vampires... let me know. I'm interested.

Roll with It

2009-07-08T22:51:00.004-04:00

Sometimes things seems complicated...really complicated. And sometimes things so simple you have to laugh at yourself for making things seem so complicated.

Lately, things have been simple. And good. The kind of days that just make you smile and feel good...feel lucky.

A lot of it comes down to the ability to laugh and smile and appreciate what you have in life. The ability to let go and kick back a little. Sometimes that means you have to stop over thinking and over analyzing and just let go and appreciate...the little things and the big things.

Those are the moments when you realize that life is what you make of it. There are so many great, amazing options out there and if you stop trying to figure everything out, sometimes good things just happen.

I think there is a reason for everything but that doesn't mean we get to know the reason. Sometimes you just have to trust that it is out there and some how in the bigger picture of life, it makes sense.

I'm trusting. And soaking it in. And I'm grateful...for the smiles, laughs, giggles and so many wonderful things and people in my life.

See....surrendering has its benefits.

Roll with it, baby.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWptXUblA4E

Airports and Other Random Thoughts

2009-07-05T21:14:00.004-04:00

there is something sentimental about airports. And something sad about leaving family to come home to a place where no one knows you are arriving much less would ever meet you at the airport to pick you up. And this is what I call home?

As I walked that super long stretch from the plane to terminal then down to the baggage claim I thought about some of my airport memories...

...how quickly you forget what it feels like to have some one waiting for you when you cross through those doors

...how you'll never forget what it feels like to wait nervously, watching for someone to come through those doors

...how hard it is to say goodbye to someone that you hate being away from

...how exhilarating, fun and crazy it is to pick some one up from a flight that never boarded, took off and or even had a destination

...how one place can be home but another place is home

...how no matter how old or grown up I get, I'll never be able to say goodbye to my family and walkaway without a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat

Airports. i kinda hate them. but in a strange way, i kinda love them. they bring together the end and the beginning...so closely. something new and something familiar. something sad and something exciting.

And now the other random thoughts...

I took a few days and left town. It was nice. Relaxing. And I learned a few things:

Shopping at Wal-Mart is bad. But fun to argue about. Did you know you can park an RV there overnight? Bonus.
When I hear someone talk about snakes in field (not on a plane), BB guns and neighbors with chainsaws, I do not then want to walk out into a nearby field to shoot off fireworks through a very small clearing of trees.
There is something about men in blue blazers with gold buttons that just annoys me.
Even on a cloudy, drizzly, overcast day, I still prefer the beach to just about anywhere else.
No matter how much time has passed, there is a bond between brothers and sisters that is unlike any other.
There is nothing that can replace being around people that love and care about you.
Ice cream in July is even better than ice cream the rest of the year (except in maybe August; I'll let you know)
There is hope that there will actually be a summer.
Puppies are sooo adorable.
I gave an asshole cab driver a 25 cent "tip." Even after he told me I should give him 15%. Bigger asshole. Oh, and I felt good about it.
Teenagers truly are addicted to cell phones and text messaging.
It is impossible not to laugh when people have balloons under their shirts.
I still giggle when someone says boob.
I realized I am so incredibly cheap, when i go to a salad bar that is charged by weight, I only put the lightest things on my salad--lettuce, mushrooms, peppers, etc to keep the weight and cost down. (Do you know how much of a rip off beans are???) yeah, i'm that cheap.
A stranger recently gave me candy. I felt like the luckiest girl in this world.
I tried on a bathing suit. A bikini. Even funnier...I bought it.
I love sitting around a fire pit. Love it.
There are something in life that are overrated. And so many things that are underrated. I love the underrated.

Surrender

2009-06-30T23:25:00.003-04:00

There are so many decisions in life that are difficult. So many challenges to face.

It's hard enough to make decisions that you know are best for you. It's even harder to make decisions and stick to them because you think something is best for someone else. Or, because you want to respect someone else.

Then there are times when a decision might not be what you want but it's a decision that is better for someone else and that is exactly what makes it easier to accept. Because you put that other person's well being, happiness and best interests ahead of your own.

And sometimes it isn't about your own decisions. It is about other people's decisions. And truly understanding and accepting their decision. When you reach that point, there is a tiny bit of solace. Of peace. Maybe even of surrender.

On a related note, I went to visit a little baby tonight. Utterly amazing. A reminder of everything good in this world. Of miracles. Of love and happiness. Of utter awe.

the Love story

2009-06-28T12:46:00.005-04:00

The thing about love is that you don't know when it is going to happen, where it will happen or why it happens. But suddenly it happens and you can't stop it. And then you can't imagine living without it. Without that certain someone. And you know you would do anything for them.

But love is rare. A unique combination of attraction, compassion, friendship and fun. It is something that exists in many minds and thoughts and daydreams but often, in reality, is skewed; a faint resemblance of the love we hoped for. Complete love is rare.

So when you see true, complete love, it is touching and emotional. Happy and momentous.

Last night I was witness to the beginning of a new life together; a celebration of a life coming together.

As I watched the couple walk down the aisle together, dance their first dance as husband and wife, and exhibit such care and concern for each other throughout the night--a spontaneous kiss, a hand on the small of a back, a longing glance at each other that spoke in a silent language only the bride and groom could translate--I was reminded that love, the essence of love, does exist.

There was a time when many of us that knew the bride and groom as individuals were surprised by the newfound coupleship. That is because we only knew them as individuals. We were yet to understand how they came together and how they each evolved. Throughout the next two years, I was fortunate enough to be a part of their lives, as individuals and as a couple. It didn't take long to see that without losing their individuality, two people became a couple bringing out elements of each other that added more even more depth to each individual. New elements of each person were revealed.

A compassionate, caring, loving couple emerged. A couple that not only took care of each other but exudes the same level of care, concern and compassion to their friends.

Congratulations, Lauren and Tim. What you have is what so many dream of and search for. Enjoy every moment of each other, fight hard for each other and never forget what brought you together.

Thanks for letting me be a part of your journey--the past, the present and the future.

The Evil Twins...Gemini

2009-06-23T22:55:00.000-04:00

In order to properly write a tribute to Gemini, the Gemini moon needed to move on... It has. And so, the tribute begins...

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) were born under the sign of the twins. I refer to them as evil twins. As a broad generalization.

There is a solid handful of Geminis in my life; people that are really close to me. Mostly men. My Dad. My Stepdad. Several friends. And one guy that I'm don't know how to categorize; he is a true Gemini (evil twins!!) which makes him hard to define, constantly changing.

What is typical of a Gemini? I have my own thoughts but for an expert opinion I checked Linda Goodman's "Sun Signs" site. Here's a look at all Geminis...and the Gemini man.

Not everyone fits the mold. One of my really good girlfriends is a Gemini. No evil twin about her. But maybe a little bit of a twin. To most people, I think she comes across as reserved. But I think I get to see a side of her that everyone does not...a side that she only shares with some. And it is a damn funny side. Seriously funny. And even a little on the raunchy side occasionally. I love it.

I have a male friend that is a Gemini. I think he fits the twins description perfectly. Some people know one side of him. In my opinion, only a handful see both sides. He is tough and kinda gruff most of the time but he has this sweet and remarkably compassionate side too.

Beware you two...two Geminis together is actually like four people. That is one crowded bedroom.

Some people fit the mold more exactly that others. A few guys that I know are a darn near direct match to the description of Gemini man.

Here's a quote from the site about Geminis: "At least I knew who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."

If you've ever dated someone and said a variation of that, maybe something along the lines of "I really thought I knew him. I trusted him. This is completely out of character." Well, I almost guarantee you, you were dating a Gemini. (Okay fine...this is probably a ton of guys and girls that everyone has dated.)

Geminis are twins. That is what makes them so difficult to figure out. As soon as you think you know what is going on...they morph. And the person you thought you knew is gone. They've been replaced with the other twin. Probably the evil one.

A few statements from Goodman's site about Mercury men...see if these apply to the Gemini men you know:

Geminis have an unconscious urge to disguise their true intent, to fence with others verbally and cloak their motives with dual actions. In general, they seek to confuse you. Then with true Geminian inconsistency, they'll turn right around and be so direct, they'll fairly take your breath away with their frankness and bluntness.

Loving a Gemini is easy and fun, if you don't try to get too close. My word of wisdom--don't get too close. If you are smart, you'll keep it easy and fun. Serious and even minimal commitment doesn't go well. (Apologies to my Gemini friends that are getting married. And to the Gemini man I know in a very long term, committed relationship.)

There's a inner core that belongs only to him, that he'll never share with another human being, even you. Even if you think you are breaking though. You aren't.

Keep things cool and light, and don't be overly passionate or dramatic. Drama gets you no where. Well, except in a rare situation here and there when drama and demands probably will get you somewhere. But who wants that?

Don't bore him, always excite him and your Gemini romance can be very special. Don't rebel against his changeability. Accept him. Have fun with him. Appreciate the moments. But remember the above...don't get too close. The moment won't last forever.

Change with him. Be as alert and interested in life as he is. That is, until his alertness and interest in you, has moved on to something else in life. Damn evil twin.

He seeks a mental companion above all else. One who can match his wits, even top him now and then, because he's not an egotist. He's a realist, and he thrives on mental challenge. Wit and intelligence finally wins. At least until the evil twin comes out. Then, not so much.

The last thing he wants is a doormat or a dull mouse. Let your brain show through, your feminine image. It won't scare him off, as it might some men. It will spin him around in the right direction-toward you. I'm not so sure about this one. Doormat works well for some Gemini men.

Gemini. Twins. Evil twins.

Fun but sad. Confident but totally confused. Perfect on the outside and yet so flawed on the inside.

Hard to resist. Damn Gemini. Evil. Evil. Evil.

Goodbye Gemini Moon... Hello Cancer Moon.

And So It Is

2009-06-23T20:12:00.003-04:00

In recent months I've come across some of the kindest, nicest most genuine people. People that have offered to help me with things, to just be there if I need anything, even a few that have told me they are jealous of me... I know I'm super lucky but every once in a while it smacks me in the face how challenging this can be and how alone I am.

Going to the hospital for a tour alongside all couples... learning about circumcision and wondering what a male's perspective would be here (I'm thinking circumcise. I've personally never seen an uncircumcised situation.)... hearing how only Dads and siblings are allowed 24 access in the hospital...

And there are still a lot of people that judge. People that have made it clear to me that this was my choice and therefore I should learn to deal with the reality I chose. On my own. Alone. Without help.

I understand the perspective. I don't expect everyone to agree with my decisions but, seriously, have a freakin heart once in a while. Or at least stop throwing it in my face that I have no "help" and need to learn to do things I'm my own. Or how about, if you feel so strongly, just stop talking to me. Go sit in your perfect corner of the world where everything is done according to some set of ridiculous rules and therefore deemed "perfect," and judge me. Someday you'll realize life isn't perfect. Some people might even disagree with your life choices. Everyone's choices aren't the ones you would make. Life still goes on.

But at the end of the day... I'll still take my life and my situation. Again and again and again. It is worth the challenging days, judgmental people and awkward situations.

It truly is.

Lessons Learned

2009-06-20T23:01:00.002-04:00

A few things I've learned in recent days/weeks...

There seems to be this really weird rule--when you are super tired and desperately need sleep, no matter what time you go to bed, you can't sleep. And, why do I keep waking up at 4 am every day??

Sometimes you can't win. No matter how hard you try. No matter how hard you fight. Better to learn to give up on occasion and quit the fight.

Two signs of a very busy week: bowls scattered throughout my house (a reminder of how many nights I convinced myself that if cereal is nutritious enough for breakfast it must be good enough for dinner too); clothes scattered throughout my house (used to be a sign of how many days I managed to have sex with a certain someone; now it's a reminder of how tired I was at the end of the day).

Fluorescent lighting isn't kind to your body during the skinniest times in your life. It really isn't kind when you are pregnant.

Even one of those throw-away $5 powered toothbrushes is a pretty amazing experience, if your mouth deserves a change. Unfortunately, it hasn't encouraged me to floss more regularly yet.

Sometimes it is a good idea to just step back and soak it all in cause you never know how long it is going to last.

I have no idea how old Clint Eastwood is (mid 70s?) but he is still amazing. Gran Torino is an excellent movie.

I find it nearly impossible to do nothing. Even if that is what I desperately want to do.

I hate it when people try to spin things on me. I spew a ton of bullshit myself so it isn't hard to recognize when it's coming back at me. Just be honest and direct. No need to make it seem like something it isn't.

I miss vacations, vacation days and beaches. Small sacrifices to make for the time being, I suppose...

The concept of paying a fee so you can cash in airline miles for a free ticket is the stupidest thing ever. A $100 free ticket?

There are somethings in life that are more important that anything else in this world. Sometimes I need a reminder of that to put things into perspective and to prioritize. I've been reminded...

The Light

2009-06-18T23:07:00.005-04:00

Sometimes it feels like it will never end. Things just drag on and there is so much to do and so much to figure out and it is so overwhelming.

And then, just like that, you can see a glimmer. A glimmer of light. A glimmer of hope.

I see the glimmer!

Every facet of life always seems to enter chaos at the exact same time. Combine chaos with a general feeling of being overwhelmed, lack of sleep, lack of nutrition and being forced to accept some really challenging decisions that I really have no control over and will never understand (slowly learning that one does not need to understand in order to accept)... well, that makes for one grouchy girl. Sooooo grouchy all the ice cream in the world couldn't have made me smile lately.

I've been working hard to get things done. Dealing with things that are painful to deal with. But better to deal and move on. For everyone. Some people deserve sanity. Some people deserve happiness. Regardless of what you deserve you get what you choose. Some people opt for misery. Some people opt for challenges. Some people opt for the safe bet. Some people opt for things that seem fucked up to me but, as is pointed out to me regularly, I only see things through my perspective. And clearly what is fucked up to me is someone's little slice of heaven. As the saying goes, whatever floats your boat.

Someday I want a boat. And a lake house.

Someday. Lots of somedays. No sundays.

Coming soon...a tribute to Gemini. Evil twins.

As Promised... A Very Special Post.

2009-06-14T20:46:00.004-04:00

For a very special person....

A very special person that is, well, let's just say celebrating another year of life. Someone that has celebrated so many years of life I think you may be nearing two economy size boxes of candles and a very large cake to accurately celebrate the age. But hey, age is just a number. Your age happens to be a number that I like very much.

Why? Because it makes me feel younger and more vibrant. Yes, we shall be friends forever. And yes, you shall always be older than me.

Does anyone else notice a trend here? I tend to primarily hang out with people that are older than me; it is kinda my secret little schaudenfraud. Hang around the old and always feel young and vibrant and alive. But there is one flaw with that. Besides the number, there is nothing about you and your life, that makes me feel better and younger.

I mean honestly, you may not realize it but I study your face when I look at you. I search for wrinkles. Maybe some crow's feet around your eyes or stress lines on your forehead. Smile lines? A wrinkly neck?

None.

I check your back every time you walk away from me. I look for your boobs dragging behind. For an ass that has dropped down to your knees and no longer has an ounce of elasticity. For cottage cheese thighs. Nada. Nada. Nada.

I hate you on those days when you come in and tell me you got up and went to the gym in the morning. I can't always even motivate myself to get out of bed in time for a shower.

And of course I checked your ankles, you've still got them. No cankles...yet.

Your hair isn't thinning. It isn't even gray. (I know, you may think you've found one or two but I don't believe you.)

In fact, you've still got great hair period. Your hair even looks good in humidity. And I have "bush head" despite 30 minutes of flat ironing.

You've got the stamina of a...young whipper snapper. Or so I hear.

And it really isn't fair that someone of your age is out there whooping it up when somone at my age is supposed to be experiencing their sexual prime. I'm envious of your sex life. Yes, I admitted it.

You even dress fashionably and know how to properly wear leggings. (Well, as properly as anyone over 15 wearing leggings can be.)

So much for schaudenfraud. And to top it all of, you are one of the nicest, most sincere people I know. You are truly a friend. Someone that has been there for me and supported me without judegement. Plus, you are ridiculously funny--a trait I feel privaleged to know. Who else would laugh at the mention of "moist," call people snatches and bitches with me, use the term "cross" with such ferosity? Only you lady...only you. One of a kind.

So it is with sincerity that I say Happy Birthday. You deserve the best and then some.

Here's to another year of you getting older. I'll be watching you...

The Art of Decision Making

2009-06-10T22:29:00.004-04:00

Today, I came across four people that made me think. Two directly. One indirectly. And one, well, even more indirectly.

Interacting, a term I use loosely in this situation, with all of these people left me thinking about the decisions we all make as individuals.

Life is full of decisions. Some are really hard. Some aren't. Sometimes the decisions you think would be easy, aren't. Sometimes they are huge decisions--things that impact a lifetime. And sometimes they are seemingly more simple--like an amazing kiss that you've been missing and feels so genuine it makes it even harder to understand why--seemingly being the key word. That's when you remember that even the seemingly small decisions can have a huge impact. Even if just emotionally. And sometimes the decisions people make surprise you. And the reasoning for decisions surprises you even more.

I think a lot of people make decisions based not on what they want but on what others want them to do. Whether it is societal pressures or the pressures of a friend or family member, people are afraid, even threatened, and forced into a decision. Maybe I forced that last kiss. But I don't think so. And it felt good no matter what. And the hug felt even better.

I've made decisions and I know I'm judged every day for those decisions. But at least I've made my own decisions. At least I haven't been forced into them because of some fear or ultimatum pushed upon me. Personally, I don't believe that's how people should make decisions. It isn't my style and I would never want to force someone into something that they clearly don't want. Even if that means accepting the reality of something that is really hard to accept. We all spend too much time kidding ourselves into thinking that perfection exists and that if we just pretend for a little while longer, if we just force others to pretend with us, soon enough the fantasy, the image will become reality.

But perfection doesn't exist. And pretending and faking it and lying doesn't still doesn't make it exist. Of course, plenty of people pretend anyways. But, eventually it all crumbles. And by then it's too late. You can't rewind. You can't go back in time. That is why now and today matter. That is why every decision counts. Every one...even the seemingly little ones.

I'm okay with my decisions. And for two of the people I came across today, I think they're okay with their decisions too, even if it means life isn't easy at the moment and they are being judged--I admire them. As for the other two that I came across today, I guess time will tell.

In a few days...an extra special blog entry, for an extra special person.

Adventure in a Boat

2009-06-08T21:19:00.002-04:00

It's been a long time since I've been kayaking. I would venture to say that one of the most unhappiest pictures of me was captured while I was alone in a kayak. Honestly, I don't typically enjoy doing things that I'm not good at it...kayaking is one of them.

But last weekend, I took the dive and hopped back in a kayak. Some friends were in town and one suggested this. Although, I thought it was a slightly random suggestion coming from this guy but hey I was hanging out with college friends (and a very nice/funny soon-to-be-husband of one college friend) that I haven't seen in a loong while. So off we went to kayak, in the Charles River no less.

I loved it. It was so much fun.

First I was a little afraid I might sink the boat or some how not fit into the little hole that I thought I remembered having to wiggle into before. My memory must have been off cause there was no little hole to wiggle into just a wide open space to plop my ass on.

And so we were off. Me and my and 6'4 friend in one kayak. My friend and her fiance in the other. We raced. We purposefully rammed into each other. We took pictures. We made bad jokes. We tied our kayaks together and tried to row in some very weird fashion. I got wet from poor rowing skills and I'm pretty sure from the deliberate intention of my kayak partner. It was funny. And fun. And I'm sure people were laughing at us.

And I think it counted as exercise.

It was good to be outside, having fun, acting a bit silly. So to the beverages and the ying ming...thanks for the kayaking adventure and hanging out. I hope another seven years or whatever don't go by before we do this again. And I'm glad there are so many pictures so we don't forget.

PS. It really is really hard to tip a kayak.

PPS. In the spirit of boats and remembering old school college 'ERS days. Here's a song for you.

Coupling

2009-06-07T17:38:00.002-04:00

Few things are better than a beautiful weekend in the city. Gorgeous days and gorgeous weather.

The beautiful weather seems to bring out couples in droves. Cute couples. The kind that glance longingly at each other. That holds hands. And stop to kiss in the middle of a walk.

Seeing all this makes me smile. Even on a bitter day. It reminds me of that amazing feeling you have when you are in love with someone. Truly in love. And there is a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone. Sometimes they coexist but not always.

I was lucky enough to fall in love not that long ago. Sure it ended in heartbreak but seeing all these 'in love' couples reminded me of how great it is to be in love.

My recent 'in loveness' didn't last long enough. Just like every moment we spent together.

Remember that feeling you get when you don't want someone to leave? When it doesn't seem to matter how much time you get together it just isn't a enough? Remember what it's like when someone has to leave--for a day, a weekend, a week--and that last kiss drags on and becomes "just one more kiss" like a million times. And when they finally do leave you stare at them leaving. Watching every second, every step away from you, as if that will some how make them come back. And sometimes it does...for one more, final, final, final kiss. Or how about the goodbye hug? The tightest "squeeze me til I can't breathe hug" that lets you absorb the other person's body into your own. I remember those moments like it was yesterday.

And then there is the moment you see them again. And it starts all over. The smile, the warmth, the relaxation and excitement that comes over you when you see the one again... those feelings; that is just one aspect of what being in love is all about to me.

It isn't enough to sustain a relationship forever. Sometimes the loving aspect comes into play and sometimes it doesn't. But when it does, I think those are the relationships that last. Those are the relationships that are meant to be.

I think that's what everyone probably wants but it isn't what everyone gets mostly because people are willing to sacrifice one for the other. It's always strange to me the sacrifices people are willing to make in relationships. People give up so much sometimes without getting much in return. People lose who they are and become a mush, a shell of a person, that is dependent on the other...no longer two individuals that chose to be together but one unit devoid of individuality, personality and frankly, often happiness, trapped in a "relationship" without any true meaning beyond image and a false sense of stability.

As wise therapist once told me that in a good relationship, you don't realize and focus on what you've given up because what you get in return is so worthwhile that the giving up doesn't matter.

Something to strive for... someday in a far away land.

Until then, I'll stick with my memories of being in love, even if tinted with a bit of sadness. What is life if we haven't truly been in love?

Short and Sweet

2009-06-01T22:49:00.002-04:00

This is going to be super short but let me just say a few things... I spent hours tonight at an industry awards ceremony. There were some boring parts so I wisely used the time to evaluate other attendees. A few observations...

Thongs. Thongs. Thongs. Where were you??
Seriously, nothing ruins a cute dress like underwear lines. Nothing.
(Bonus points to anyone who can, off the top of their head, comment on who sang the "thong song." I can.)

White Pants and Dimpled Cottage Cheese Ass Do Not Mix
(there were a few pairs of white pants floating around. One pair on a beautiful woman that I work with. if you work with me and were wearing white pants, this is not referring to you. I swear.)

Excessively Smoothing Your Hair Down with your Fingers Girl...
I was obsessively watching you tonight. I thought it was kinda creepy how you were so aggressively slicking your hair down perfectly straight. I kept expecting you to lick your fingers first. You didn't. That's a bummer. It would have made you that much more creepy.

Why are there not more men in PR?
More eye candy is needed. Seriously.

I'm smart enough to also know that for every person I criticize, there are probably two that are criticizing me. I'm getting fatter by the day. I'm single and pregnant (the horror!). I think I'm starting to walk funny. There isn't a single top or dress that doesn't make my boobs look huge. And, I'm not talking about the hot, young, fresh boobie kind of huge--I'm talking about the kinda huge that says in a few months I'll be wearing a sign that says "milk me." Just throwing it out there so it doesn't seem like I'm impervious to my own flaws when I criticize others.

On that note...off to bed.

A Break...

2009-05-30T22:30:00.002-04:00

Last week, I took a break. Not just from blogging. I took a break from reality in many ways.

I was exhausted. Stressed. Overthinking. Overanalyzing. Trying so hard. Mad. Sad. Frustrated. Exhausted.

I had a super emotional week and I needed a break.

I'm not good at taking breaks. You know the old fight/flight response? Most people fall into one category or the other.

I'm all fight. I fight just for the sake of fighting sometimes. I fight til I win. I fight til I understand. I fight. And fight. And fight. Even when I give up publicly, I keep fighting inside myself. It's exhausting. Especially when I can't seem to win.

Everyone doesn't fight like this.

Some people are flight people. They walk away. They ignore. They pretend things didn't happen. They run from situations.

That isn't me. Sometimes I wish it was.

Being a fighter that needs resolution makes it really hard for me to take a break when conflict is involved. But I had to. Or else, I was going to lose the little bit of mental sanity I had left.

So, I spent a week focusing on the positives. The really good stuff. And I let go of some of the chaos.

I have to return to the chaos again now. But it will end soon. And I'm promising myself I'm not going to fight it. I have to stop trying to understand. Sometimes we can't understand. Sometimes we have to stop fighting and have a little faith that this is the path that was intended. Even if we can't figure out why.

I need a little more flight in me.

During my break...lots of good stuff happened. And lots of thinking happened.

Lots of topics to write about....

First and foremost, I was reminded that unconditional love exists and it is the best feeling ever.

Everyone isn't as lucky as I am but I think most children experience and unconditional love from their parents. Some may not realize this because they haven't put it to the test. I have. And no matter what, my parents have loved and supported me.

My parents are amazing people. When I called them recently, I didn't have to ask them to visit. They just came. My Mom is amazing. The greatest Mom ever.

I truly believe, at least in my situation, parents want you to be happy. They can't, and usually won't, define what that means for you but they do want you to be happy and that is why they stand beside you while you seek out your own form of happiness.

My parents--all of them--have watched me succeed and fail; they've watched me laugh til I cry and just plain cry. Sometimes they step in with words of encouragement or a hug and sometimes they make me figure things out on my own even though it is difficult. But they'll never let me hit bottom. Suffer a little, yes. That's what makes you stronger.

This week they came out to support me. You know that feeling when you feel so cared about and loved that you literally let out a sigh and can just lean on someone and fall asleep because finally you know its going to be okay? That's how I felt. And they hugged me.

And hugs are great. There should be more hugging. I miss hugs. I used to get the best hugs ever. Now hugs are rare.

My parents also came out to see me succeed this week. They came to the commencement ceremony where I was recognized for completing my MBA. I think that is probably the last time I'll sport the cap and gown. But who knows. It felt good nonetheless. The official end of school. Finally. And I already miss it sometimes.

M&M... Thank you for letting me, and helping me, take a break. And thank you for all your work on the baby room. It looks so incredible and I'm so excited about the future.

...plenty more thoughts in my head...for later.

Boys Boys Boys

2009-05-19T22:02:00.005-04:00

So many topics so little time but let me start with... I love boys.

Shocker right?

I truly do love so many things about boys. (Yes, I know. I'm the same girl that calls them assholes. That is true.)

Boys are adorable cause they are so quirky, rugged, have these crazy tough exteriors but amazing soft insides... They project this image of confidence but also have this nervous, childlike quality that is quirky and adorable. A nervous boy is so adorable to me. And yet confidence is so hot to me.

Boys are tricky.

They are hard to figure out. Super hard to figure out. I don't even know why anyone tries. And they get scared so easily. But pretend they don't. And they can't make decisions. But pretend they do.

But sometimes they have moments. And those moments are strangely worth it. Even if it is just a moment.

Yes...I'm watching the Bachelorette. Seeing all those boys on there, well, it's just cute. The early days, those are their finer moments...before they turn back into assholes.

Enjoy the moment while it lasts. Sometimes a moment..a single moment...can make all the difference.

I Know You Want This...

2009-05-11T19:47:00.003-04:00

To: Birthday Girl

What could be more special that a blog entry devoted to you on your birthday??

Well, well, well...you are turning 30 and I can only imagine life gets even better at this age. I wouldn't know since I'm not that old but I imagine that is the case. Think about the benefits:

You are nearing your sexual peak. Giddy up. And remember, guys hit it many years ago so why not date younger? Giddy up again.
Who cares if your boobs are moving farther south by the day?
30 is the new 20. Or it might even be the new 15. My suggestion, wear a lot of leggings. All the kids are doing it. Me included.
You probably still get carded once in a while. This won't last. Enjoy it.
If you thought the hangover was bad at 29, wait until 30. You'll just be glad if you can stay awake long enough to go out and get drunk.
Have you seen your ass lately? Probably not. You probably woke up this morning to find that it slide half way down your thigh. Oh, and it is flat.
That thing by your hip...no worries. That is your saggy boob referenced above. Just toss it over your shoulder. Oh and it's fine. The young guys, they totally dig saggy boobs.
When you are feeling bummed and old, think about me. I'm younger.
Yep, I'm still younger.

Truthfully, I think 30 is the beginning of something great. We all spend our twenties trying to figure life out and find all the answers. By 30, I think you just give in a little and go with the flow more. You are more confident. More accepting. More comfortable in your own skin. At least, I'm hoping. So, enjoy the day and beginning of the rest of your life.

Happy Birthday, Lisa.

It is Getting Really Real

2009-05-11T19:34:00.003-04:00

It's weird how something suddenly becomes real. This weekend, things became really real to me.

Life is changing and I'm preparing. It's exciting. And scary. And amazing. And the coolest thing ever. And a little scary.

It's happening fast. That hit me this weekend. Soon things will never be the same. Exciting. Awesome.

And to one of my best friends that spent the weekend with me--thank you. Thanks for everything. More than anything else thanks for talking to me and just being around. I'm so grateful to have you as a friend and a Dad. Thanks for dealing with me even when I've been a huge pain in the ass.

Could this actually happen????

2009-05-06T22:24:00.002-04:00

This is kinda vulgar and scary...

I went to the gym tonight and walked into the locker room to change my clothes. I swear, lying on the floor was a dried up vagina. It startled me. I looked again. Seriously, on the ground was a dried up vagina that fell out of someone.

While the vivid imagine is cemented in my mind, I don't even know where to begin to describe what it looked like...how does one describe the look of a dried up vagina that fell out of some poor woman?

Have you ever seen a piece of fruit hanging from a tree that doesn't get picked? Yeah, it eventually dries up, gets all wrinkly and scary and falls off the tree landing on the ground.

Could this happen to someone's vagina?? Who could it belong to?? An old woman that hasn't had sex in years? A young woman who isn't having sex and fears they might never have sex again? A married woman, who you might think is having sex, but is so miserable in her life she isn't having sex? Someone that is totally over sex and sworn it off to refocus their life?

Does having sex or not having sex matter?????

At what point does the fruit dry up and fall off the tree? Sad, shriveled and never to be recovered again??? Why??

Lots of questions. No answers.

I hope I never see a dried up vagina on the floor again. And, I did check just to be safe. It wasn't mine.

Opportunity Knocks...

2009-05-05T22:13:00.002-04:00

I had a dream the other night that totally stuck with me.

I was at someone's house. It was a small get together of some friends at a house. Big enough to have small circles of people in various parts of the house but small enough to see everyone that was there at least once.

I walked in and immediately saw a guy I know. Someone that I used to be involved with. Strangely, he was all alone and hitting a punching bag (probably something symbolic in that alone). I avoided him and continued walking. Then I saw another guy. Not someone I actually know but someone I know of and I'm curious about. We looked at each other. And looked away.

I felt awkward and pulled in two directions. Part of me felt compelled to spend time talking to the guy I used to have a relationship--there was a draw to him that was hard to resist. Part of me wanted to talk to the other guy and learn about him.

I didn't know what to do. So, I went to the upstairs and spent hours avoiding them. Then, I finally got the courage up to go back downstairs.

They were gone. Both of them.

I think dreams are often symbolic of what is happening in our life or they are trying to send us a broad message. I think this one was about missed opportunity.

This was a good reminder to me that it is easy to miss out. And missing out sucks more than if you just go for it.

An especially good reminder as I ponder the "Guest."

Just Because...I hate David Dellifield too.

2009-05-01T11:36:00.003-04:00

Someone posted on Facebook a link to this recent blog posting from Penelope Trunk entitled "I hate David Dellifield. The One from Ada, OH."

I was intrigued. How could you not be? So I read it. You should too. It is hilarious for a few reasons:

1) She is so honest about the challenges of parenting
2) She totally calls out David Dellifield for being a mean asshole
3) She offers some honest advice about men and what interests them (blow jobs-yes. little kids playing soccer-no.)
3) She is a little bit crazy in a good healthy way
4) I know that some of you think I call people out in my blog or insert little jabs here and there...see how much worse it could be!

Now get back to washing your hands. Nobody wants the swine flu.

Falling In & Out

2009-04-30T22:01:00.003-04:00

Life would be easier if we could pick who we fall in love with, when we fall in love and for how long. But I don't think we get to choose. It makes life tricky sometimes. Seems like we fall in and out of love at the wrong times. And with the wrong people.

Or maybe we just look at it wrong...because we can't control it and we desperately want to.

Maybe we really do fall in and out of love at the right times with the right people and we just don't realize it because we're focused on why it isn't the perfect scenario or trying to make it perfect or wanting something to be something it isn't.

Who knows. All I know is that I don't have a clue. I've fallen in love before...with the right guy at the right time and with the wrong guy at the wrong time. And I've been loved before by the right one, the wrong one, and the seemingly somewhere in between. And despite the good, bad, right and wrong... I'm single. Funny how that works out. (I seriously say that with a laugh.)

I do think I finally managed to get to a place where I truly believe you can't control love and you shouldn't try. And, I'm certain all my experiences have happened for a reason. Many reasons. And, I'm know now that I never need to settle because I'm okay on my own. Love can be great and amazing...but that doesn't come easy. You don't find that connection in most people you come across, even if you want to.

Anatomy of a Day

2009-04-28T21:55:00.003-04:00

Bad Day

Wake Up: First sight is mound of laundry that needs to be folded and put away. Or, face realization that I prefer to pick through pile everyday.

Realize it is 7 already and I need to change cat litter: I should have done this over the weekend. Go downstairs only to remember that I forgot to pick up stupid medical face mask that I should be wearing to change litter. Apparently pregnancy and cat litter changing are not the best mix. Skip cat litter and write mental note to stop at store on way home.

So much for getting to work early: quick shower, try to find something that looks good on expanding body.

Spend day feeling tired, hungry and under-appreciated: minus 20 minute escape outdoors.

Receive phone call and email from someone that sometimes makes me feel like a strange pawn in a game they refer to as life: even though I believe your intent was genuine and essentially kind in nature, i'm not going to play a game with you. my life is not a game. it is real.

Work late.

Leave work only to remember you still need to go to grocery store and pick up damn mask: three stores, no masks. Looked like swine flu paranoid freak each and every time asked about stupid mask; nearly teary-eyed by failed attempt three.

Arrive home hungry, defeated, tired: Perhaps nearly teary eyed, again.

Eat ice cream: Feeling better.

Sitting on couch feeling kicks: Suddenly remember, most of it really doesn't matter.

Good Day

Wake Up: manage to drag lazy ass out of bed and downstairs for OJ before 6:45! A good start.

Warm Day: skirt and flip flops in April. Who cares of the once sexy skirt worn with heels now looks stretched to the limit and is completed with flip flops. Comfort is nice.

Iced Decaf Coffee: Made night before. Disregard fact that I pored OJ into the coffee before realizing it wasn't milk. consider it extra vitamin c for the day. add milk and drink anyway.

Lunch break outside: so hot couldn't resist ice cream. ice cream during the work day is extra nice. Didn't even feel guilty about it.

Spend day feeling busy and successful. Woohoo!

Leave work at reasonable hour: totally got busted singing on the way home. Windows down I was staring at these adorable little kids playing baseball. I might have been daydreaming. And apparently singing really loudly (Rascal Flatts, Here Comes Goodbye...must be sung...with great emotion. at least for me). My daydreaming ended and I realized someone had turned around from the bleachers and was staring at me. Embarrassed smile. Light turned green. Sometimes oblivion is bliss.

Relax at Home: Skip gym for sanity purposes and avoiding the swine flu purposes. Make it home in time to eat and read on deck. Hang out there until chased in by rain. I love that.

Relax, talk to Dad, talk to Mom: I love my family.

Skip additional ice cream: Eat blueberries instead. Nutritional goodness.

More serious kicks: I can't imagine this will ever not make me smile. So freakin cool. So lucky. So happy.

More good days than bad. By a long shot.

Choices

2009-04-24T22:06:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I'm reminded that life is full of choices. And for every choice there is a path taken and path not taken. An opportunity or a missed opportunity.

I guess that is the beauty and the downfall of how life works. Life is tough like that. And amazing like that at the same time.

If we don't make decisions, they're made for us. Even if we chose not to participate, life keeps happening.

I think the hardest part is being honest with ourselves. Lying and hiding sucks. But it sucks even more when you are lying and hiding from yourself.

Sometimes decisions are about letting go and moving on and sometimes decisions are about hanging on and never letting go.

Letting go is easier said than done.

Ever have something in your life that you know you need to get rid of but you hang on to it anyways? Maybe because you want to prove something to someone. Maybe because you are just too stubborn to admit that it isn't good for you anymore. Maybe because you just plain want to win. But deep down you know it isn't good for you anymore (even if it does vibrate in your lap). It's heavy and weighs you down. It's slow. And freezes. It treats you like shit but you are attached to it anyway. For some strange reason with all its flaws, you love it. So you hang on to it. Even though it sucks and sucks the life out of you sometimes. You feel connected to it.

My advice...let go. Move on.

If you can let go long enough to realize, truly realize what you are hanging on to--it won't be long before you look back and realize that yes, it was worth holding for a long time. But that time has expired. And you are better off without it.

I don't judge. You want to keep it....keep it. But I promise you, you are missing out. You deserve more. And I bet you could find it for less than $650.

Good luck with that. Until then, MIA baby.

Space

2009-04-22T22:37:00.003-04:00

It isn't who you can live with; it's who you cannot live without.

That is such a truthful, powerful, honest, thought. There are a ton of people that we can manage to live with but how many people are there that we truly can't be without?

I watched someone fight for someone that they couldn't stand to be without. Fight even when it seemed like they weren't going to win. Fight even when the situation was really tough and it would have been easier to quit. Fight even when they were being judged and scrutinized. They fought because it meant so much to them. Because they truly couldn't live without the other person. I didn't believe it at first. It seemed foreign and almost impossible that this person could care so much. But they did care that much. And it paid off. And when I see the two of them together it is impossible not to smile and feel warm inside. And to truly believe that there are some people that you cannot live without in life.

Sometimes it doesn't take much to realize this. Sometimes it takes a lot.

Sometimes it takes space.

And sometimes space shows you that what you thought you couldn't live without...well maybe you can.

Celebrate the Earth! Go Green!

2009-04-21T21:56:00.004-04:00

Well, Wednesday is Earth Day so it seems more than appropriate to channel this blog back to its original intended focus...a little bit of green advice. I looked back over a year's worth of blogs and sadly, not so many were actually green in nature. But, it is never to let to make some changes and focus on what it important. Today, it is our lovely planet. Our home. The Earth.

I don't think I was as green as I could have been this year but I still think I did my part. And, I still have some good tips to offer. So, this Earth Day...consider this:

Stainless Steel Reusable Water Bottle
Something I actually incorporated into my daily life and I'm never going back. Bottled water is soooo 2005. It is 2009 people. If you haven't made the switch, do it. I'm not saying you have to go stainless but go reusable. It is an easy switch. Oh, and go BPA. I know there is some back and forth debating evidence but why not eliminate BPA. I haven't seen any studies that say it is good for you.

Resuable Bags
Yes, I forget mine alot. And I feel so guilty at Whole Foods when I have to admit it. But, I use them alot too and that is what matters. Most reusable bags are easier to carry and can hold more. Plus, everyone sells them for like a dollar. It's cheap and easy. Save the earth people.

Detergents
Go natural. As in for real natural not just slapped with the label natural (which means absolutely nothing. See below). Detergents (all sorts of soaps) are washed into our water supply, plants, wildlife and ultimately food. And there are some nasty chemicals in these products. Common sense says if it can't touch your skin without concern, you probably don't want to use it...and you definitely don't want to end up eating it. Circle of life people. What we flush and drain eventually comes back to us.

Read Labels!
My personal opinion, but I think it is weird when people want to "get healthy" so they buy all these things that will help you lose weight and stuff. Looks at the ingredients of these so-called health foods. Can you even pronounce them? If you can't pronounce the ingredients and don't know what they are...skip it. Stick to things like: apple, salad, asparagus. You know...things that you know what you are getting. You can never go wrong with whole foods (as in whole foods...not the store). Also, pay attention when things say "natural." Natural is not a regulated term so it can be slapped on anything. Again, if you can't understand the ingredient list and it is like 25 items, no way hell its natural.

Speaking of Natural...
Has anyone cut back on their showers or deodorant use? Please tell me I've inspired someone. Please. I skip a shower here and there. It's good for the water supply and my skin. My co-workers...maybe not so much. But I typically limit work week shower skipping to Fridays. And I promise, I always change my underwear. I do have some standards.

Health & Beauty Products
Again, read the labels and ingredients. Nothing sits on top of your skin...things are absorbed. So if you think rubbing chemicals all over your body is a good idea. Lather up. And why not hit the tanning bed while your at it. I mean, who cares about your skin. It's only the biggest organ you've got (or something like that).

Recycle, recycle, Recycle
If you aren't doing this by now, you should be embarrassed. Not to say that I don't occasionally get lazy and trash something plastic and instead of rinsing it out and putting it in the bin...but I swear I don't do it very often. Recycling is easy. It's a gimme these days. Just do it. And encourage your workplace to do it too. There is a ton of paper wasted in the office. I recently realized that my recycle bin is dumped into the trash. I guess we just keep the blue bins around to make everyone feel warm and fuzzy. Sad.

Turn off Lights
When you aren't in a room, turn off the light. So simple. And yet so hard for me. I admit it...I suck at this one. But I'm working to do a better job.

I Heart Organics
I know. The economy sucks. We've all been impacted and one way or another our salaries are lower. But, when it comes to the major stuff, go organic. I watch this a bit more now with the little guy on board. While he hangs out inside me growing all big and strong, he eats what I eat...chemical laden foods just don't seem all that good for a little guy. Focus on dairy, eggs, fruits and veggies (hormone free meats too if you eat that). If you can peel it (bananas), buy organic if you can but skip it to cut down costs and go for conventional. And don't get me wrong, I occasionally slide in a cheeseburger from a greasy nasty fast food joint. I'm not a freak about it but I do believe organic is better. People always want to debate the merits of organic foods. All I can say is, much like BPA, I haven't seen any reports that eating chemical is good for you (unless you want to have strange hormone reactions, maybe birth a child with extra arms or something like that). Yes, I'm exaggerating. But why take the risk?

Geez, there are alot of little things you can do that are good for you and good for the planet...

Plant a tree
Hug a tree
Carpool
Get off your lazy ass and walk once in a while
Get stoned and make hemp bracelets
Pick up trash instead of watching it fly across the ground in the wind
Start a compost
Join a drum circle
Buy local and support your community
Wear clothes made with organic cottons
Get a bike...with a basket
Join a CSA
Use both sides of toilet paper squares
Go to the local Farmer's Market
Buy a razor scooter as your primary means of transportation
Consider not eating meat at least one day a week
Go naked one day a week (less laundry=better for the environment=free entertainment for you neighbors=more people staying home=less vehicle emissions... quite an impressive chain of positiveness)
Plant a garden
Grow your own herbs

So much we can do...so many little tips. I really should go back to the green focus on occasion. I think I will...in the meantime

Happy Earth Day

And, if you are looking for me around noon, I'll be outside getting teary-eyed and hugging trees.

I love you earth.

I love you trees.

I love you sky.

I love you lake.

I love you nature.

I love you granola-y hippies. And hippies in training.

I love you sun.

I love you earth.

Goodnight moon.

Marathon Monday

2009-04-20T19:27:00.004-04:00

Today was Marathon Monday. Personally, I find this to be one of the most inspirational days of the year. Watching everyone run by...the average people that have dedicated months to training...it literally makes me teary-eyed watching it.

Congratulations to everyone that ran. You are amazing. And inspiring. I hope to one day join you in Boston. I have a feeling it won't be next year...but soon. I hope.

And, to two guys I know that ran today...

AD: Wow. All that training paid off. You had a kick ass run. I'm not even going to mention how much you beat my time by. It was so great to see you running. Your dedication to this and so many other long term projects (how long is a PhD program? crazy) is awesome. I think you are a little crazy but crazy in a totally good, cool way. Now, seriously, sleep in once in a while and relax. I can teach you if you need some help. And maybe next spring, we can meet up for a run once in a while. But, you'll have to slow down...way down...for me. GO LIVER!

CC: You ran with an injury. You are crazy but super determined. I wasn't surprised but nonetheless, seriously, impressed. This is such an accomplishment! I think you are officially an overachiever (don't you have like two master's degrees or something? and now a marathon...) Same to you now that it is done...take some time off and relax a little! In the meantime, a question for you: Best Elizabeth Shue movie--Back to the Future or Adventures in Babysitting? (I still try to come up with "questions" when I'm bored at the gym. If we ever run again, I'll be prepared with an arsenal.)

I hope everyone is celebrating, resting and can walk tomorrow! Congratulations. You'll never forget the moment you crossed the finish line.

Walking the Line...

2009-04-14T21:42:00.002-04:00

this blog is dedicated to you and you and you and you.

Find me someone that doesn't walk the line on occasion and I'll show you someone that is BOOORRING. BORES-VILLE.

I live in a state of gray area. I edge so closely to the line that I do, self admittedly, often cross it. I'm opinionated. I've been judgemental. I'm a little obnoxious sometimes. As a young whipper snapper fueled by a cocktail or two, I once got into a heated discussion with a bunch of yuppie liberals, also known as my friends, about the war in Iraq. My brother was over there at the time and my tolerance for people lumping soldiers in with the overall thought that war is bad, and an unwillingness to view any of the positive elements of change that were occuring in Iraq, led to a few tears and ultimately me, in a slightly raised voice, telling my friends that if they didn't like what I had to say then the door was just down the hall (that's the nice version). After that comment I stormed out. My friends left shortly thereafter.

I crossed the line.

I could tell you a million stories about me crossing the line. But I won't. I'll leave those to your imagination. Much more fun. Or maybe not, my stories are pretty good.

Here is the challenge with crossing the line: you never know when you are going to offend someone. Nine times out of ten, you get away with your friends laughing in support. But that one time you don't = trouble. And it can be difficult to recover even amongst friends.

Basically, it all boils down to the difference between what is appropriate and inappropriate. I've played this game before and let me tell you, it is akin to playing with fire. And we all know, if you play with fire long enough, you eventually get burned.

Nobody wants to get burned but it happens. I got burned. I'll probably get burned again because the other option is too live in the safe zone. The simple zone. The boring zone.

No thanks.

So in this public forum let me offer you and you and you and you (seriously, not just one you) some guised public advice:
1) Last time I looked around, no one was handing out shovels. Stop digging yourself into a hole.

2) Some of us are crass, obnoxious people. We say things and behave in ways that would make others cringe. Accept it and move on or get out. I'm sure everyone has said something or done something inappropriate at some point. In a effed up way, that is what draws some people together. But don't expect a discussion everytime someone says or does something someone doesn't like. This is akin to #1 above: stop digging. Unless of course the hole you are digging actually does go to China in which case, I'll follow you.

3) If you can't handle, don't like what I have to say, don't whine about it. Debate me. Worst case scenario, I'll cry, scream and kick you out of my house. (A dream come true for most of my friends.) And honestly, most of the bullshit I spew is exactly that--my opinion. It's not that hard to debate. I'm not an expert in anything that I spew opinions about. That would make it much less fun.

4) I feel strongly about a few things and I probably always will. You can talk to me and try to convince me for days, I'll listen. But I won't change my mind. That is who I am.

5) Don't judge. Everyone is entitled to live their life as they want and believe what they want. Who are we to make judgement on someone else's decision? I'm certainly in no position to judge and it is strangely liberating to just accept.

Didn't anyone ever watch the Get Along Gang? Hop on the caboose kids.

If You Like Pina Coladas & Getting Caught in the Rain

2009-04-10T19:57:00.004-04:00

Call me.

Please.

Until I hear from you, I'll just sit around and blog.

This week was kinda hectic but a few random thoughts surfaced that I thought I would share...

My New Favorite Magazine
Have you ever read Men's Health? Women should ditch Cosmo and all those girly books and start reading Men's Health. Admittedly, I picked up an issue to read an article my friend recommended about circumcision (holy shit those poor babies. I had no idea they "gently" tie the babies legs down. ouch. and yet it just seems to make sense. for the record, i don't think i've ever seen an uncircumcised penis.). I continued to read that entire issue and another. I should have been reading this magazine ages ago.

I learned a few key things: guys are girly, guy advice is much more upfront, and I actually think guys can experience the same heartbreak girls do. There was this story about a guy who had his heartbroken and how he dealt with it. I might have gotten a little misty eyed.

For all of my frequent harshness towards guys, it was a gentle reminder that guys are people too and few might actually have feelings. A few. Lots are still assholes. That lie to you.

Practicing Sex?
Now this is the strangest thing I've ever read. I was reading a book that actually suggested couples practice having sex with their clothes on. I had to re-read it a bunch of times. I've practiced having sex before but that usually involves umm just me. Do people really keep their clothes on and practice? I still can't get over how strange that sounds. I mean, if you are comfortable enough to ask someone to practice with you, don't you think you are comfortable enough to try something--even if it is a little new--with your clothes off? Then again, there are some inherent risks of actually having sex with your clothes off that you don't have to worry about with your clothes on. Perhaps I'll try this out in the far future if I ever actually start dating again.

Oh, and now that I think about it...I did do some dry humping in high school. That might count as practicing with my clothes on. Maybe?

Near...and....Far
It's weird to me how something can push you so far away from the one person that you would think it would bring you close to and yet bring you close to people that you thought it might have pushed you away from. (Did that make sense to anyone besides me?) Life's mysteries. I don't try to figure them out any more. I just acknowledge them.

It seems like every week, if not more, I am so completely touched by someone. This week was no different. There is someone in my life that I look up to more than he could ever possibly know. Some one that I hate to disappoint but I feel like I've spent years disappointing in a strange way. Someone that I used to rely on a lot. Someone that choses to live their life very, well, very differently than how I live mine. Someone that, over years, I grew apart from.

And yet months ago, at a time when it would have been easiest to pass judgement and brush me off to the side, he didn't. He did the opposite. I'm really thankful and glad to have him back in my life. Glad to know that I can reach out to him and he'll reach out to me. Not without a few well-deserved ball busting jokes, but I know he'll be there for me no matter what. That's a pretty good feeling.

Easter Egg Hunt
I was thinking about doing an Easter Egg hunt around my condo. Or maybe hiding a little Easter basket for myself. Or going to Easter brunch alone. Or hiding in bed all day searching for a rabbit cause what else does a single girl do on the holidays?

But instead, I will keep up with tradition and will be volunteering at Rosie's Place in the morning. There may be a few awkward moments but if my partner in volunteering crime is willing to endure, I'm more than happy to. At heart, I'm a good soul and helping others really does make me feel good.

Plus, it is always a good reality check that leaves me saying "damn. my life is good. and it is good because of the decisions i've made and people that have supported me." Not a bad message for Easter Sunday.

Then on Monday, I'll stock up on half off easter candy.

Can you say hot dog?

2009-04-06T20:40:00.004-04:00

Or better yet, Fenway Frank???

I've been thinking about baseball and opening day which has led me to really wanting a hot dog. I so rarely eat them but something about baseball season creates a craving.

Tomorrow, I think I might make a trip to Home Depot for lunch to see if the hot dog guy is out in honor of delayed opening day. Maybe. Plus, I need a new hot dog memory. My last hot dog was consumed on what was, at the time, one of the best days ever. In hindsight, not such a great day. It is weird how a moment of "truth" that you imagined for so long can become of memory dishonesty. Just goes to show that what we perceive and interpret is often far from reality. But oh well. That's life and I'm not going to spend the rest of mine stuck in a bad hot dog memory.

Speaking of hot dogs and baseball, I'm taking a gamble here but I think I survived another winter. And this was a bad one.

One of the best parts about New England is that I think people really appreciate the spring. After such horrible months, it is easy to sit back and truly enjoy spring rain (which I love, especially on the rare occasion when it thunders and lightening), flower buds, the smell of mulch...all the signs of spring. And of course, baseball season.

Know what else I like? I LOVE that first really warm day...upper 60's to 70. Why do I love it? I love it because it is the most horrible fashion day of the year. I love to see everyone pull out horribly short skirts, tank tops that probably didn't fit last year and absolutely don't fit this year, and a mix match of summer outfits that you know they are absolutely freezing in. In such excitement about the weather, its like people forget all rules about what looks good and what doesn't. From the pasty skin to the skimpy clothes that wouldn't look good on a supermodel...I love it. I don't get me wrong. I also like to participate. But I usually at least throw some nail polish on my hideous toes that haven't seen the light of day in months.

That day shall come soon...spring is here.

So, to everyone that talked about SAD, bought those crazy lights, daydreamed of beaches, cursed snow and seriously didn't think they were going to make it through another year, I say congratulations. We survived.

And before long we'll be bitching about the excessive heat and humidity. I love it. I love Boston.

People

2009-04-04T22:10:00.006-04:00

Sometimes people amaze me.

I've spent a lot of time talking about how people have amazed me in negative ways. I can be a little cynical and negative. Maybe it was a phase. Maybe it was a result of some craziness going on in my life. Regardless, my faith in people has been restored in abundance.

There are a lot of really good, amazing, thoughtful, caring, fun, loving people out there. A lot more than I ever realized. In the last few weeks, maybe more than ever, I've experienced the kindness, compassion, concern and support of so many in very direct and indirect ways. I've realized that I'm surrounded by really great supportive people. I'm fortunate. And thankful. And happy.

Sometimes life happens in ways that surprise you. But so many of the greatest things in life happen when you least expect it. There has been a lot in my life that I didn't expect but I wouldn't go back and change a single thing because everything that has happened led me to where I am now. And I know, I'm a very lucky girl.

There are way too many people to name specifically but I think all of you know who you are. You are the ones that have said such kind words to me, smiled at me when I shared my news with you, offered support in so many ways (like volunteering to be an "auntie"), sent cards, left messages, checked on me (mom--your daily calls are super sweet), offered wisdom and encouragement, sent books about "belly laughs" that make me laugh, accompanied me to appointments and expos (and even carried my bag of goodies around the entire time), given me nicknames like MTB, and on occasion made me smile and laugh as you've made light-hearted jokes and said things like scumbag, jerk and creep and offered to "come out here and kick some ass."

Reality is real. Sometimes it's harsh but it's real. And I love it.

So, thank you...to all of you. I hope you will continue to be with me throughout this journey. This is my community baby. And as for the little one, he'll see you in September.

And a shout out to Beth and Adam for two of the cutest outfits ever.
Seriously. This is going to be a super hip little guy.

Scars

2009-03-26T22:46:00.004-04:00

I think we spend a lot of time trying to let go of things. Trying to forget. Wishing we could pretend something didn't happen.

And it's all wasted time and effort.

There are some things in life that we just can't let go of. Ever. Things that we will never forget. Things that change us. Those things create scars and imperfections. Those things make us who we are. They shape us. Everyone is a little scarred. And some people are a lot scarred. It isn't a bad thing. It's just a life lived. It might even be a good thing. Imperfections. Vulnerability. Those aren't bad things. At least not to me. There is no such thing as perfect. Only perfectly flawed.

But if we can't let go and forget things, what do we do?

We move on.

Some how. We start to pick up pieces and move on. Even when it is hard. And eventually, the memory dulls and becomes less vivid. And someday, it probably truly becomes a memory. And a scar. Something that will be with us forever but no longer hurts to touch.

We move on because that is what people do. We adapt to change or we lose. It doesn't happen overnight. Sometimes you don't even realize it is happening. Sometimes it takes something else to push you to move on. Something amazing and good to focus on. But it happens. If you let it. Otherwise you freeze. You get stuck. And that is no way to live.

I've got so much good going on right now, I don't care how scarred I am. It's so totally worth it. And I couldn't be more excited right now. Life is truly exciting. Thrilling. And maybe a little scary but in the really good scary way.

Anatomy of a Stalker

2009-03-24T21:20:00.002-04:00

Have you ever had a stalker? Maybe a secret admirer? Honestly, who hasn't kinda always wanted one? Not the super scary, creepy kind but the kind that makes you excited to look around every corner and wonder if you are going to run into them? It's kinda like a crush for the really warped people in society like myself that have sworn off the idea of trying to have a "real relationship." I guarantee a stalker will cause much less pain than the last guy I fell for.

Anyways, I think I have a stalker. Or, I thought I had a stalker.

There was this guy. I first noticed him at the gym. And then again at the gym. Then at the grocery store. Then at the gym. Then the grocery store. Then the parking lot. Then walking on a sidewalk in my neighborhood. Then the gym. Then the grocery store.

It turned into a little game to me. Would I see him again? Where would I see him next? I started to convince myself he was stalking me. Not creepy but funny kinda stalking. Even funnier cause then every time I saw him I felt so awkward I immediately looked away. Like a 13 year old.

Then he disappeared. No gym. No grocery store. No sidewalk sightings.

I started casually looking for him. Then it hit me. Was I stalking him? Am I the stalker?

CREEPY.

When I thought about it, I realized he was always at the gym when I got there (except once). His cart was always more full than mine at the grocery store so either it doesn't take him ten minutes to decide which avocado is the ripest or he was there before me. The sidewalk thing I'm not sure about...I was driving to work when I saw him (I swear I was not cruising around the neighborhood looking for him).

Then he resurfaced. Grocery store and gym.

And so the game continues...

The gym part is really funny to me. Or it was funny until I ended up in the stretching area next to him recently. I really needed to finish my workout so I did squats with the big bouncy ball while I watched him do sit ups. I felt awkward but there are certainly worse ways to pass the time. Then he left. I didn't follow him. I swear.

When I discussed the stalker with a friend, he asked why I don't just talk to him. Ummm...seriously?? Besides the fact that I not datable material at the moment, I am not interested in dating AND most importantly what fun would that be? My creepy little fantasy world is much more fun. Sometimes not knowing is far better than knowing.

So for now, I'll carry on the charade. And use it as motivation to get my ass to the gym.

Why Don't the Best Things in Life Last?

2009-03-21T23:03:00.004-04:00

Do you ever wonder if maybe the best things in life aren't meant to last? Maybe that is what makes them the best? Think about it...

Vacations, first kisses, springtime flowers, a bikini ready body, the energy of a really good first date, the high after a long run, a piece of dark chocolate, a longing glance, a hug, a really intense body chilling moment, even just "a moment..."

It is often the things that last and languish that we end up despising the most. Maybe because over time the shine wears off. The energy and excitement of most things eventually leaves and we end up with something that we never really wanted, something we convinced ourselves we wanted or something we thought we wanted only to later realize we wanted it because of some crazy societal norm, because we were expected to want it. What would life be like without societal norms? (More to come on this later.)

Then there is the rare occasion when something enters your life that is truly the best and does last. Something that you love. With all your heart. Something that you will enjoy and cherish and build upon for the rest of your life. But those things...those best things in life...are truly rare. Some people never experience these things but many do. And when you do, you have to hold on to the wonder. Hold on to the beauty and excitement and never forget that it exists and is worth it. I'm sure it isn't always obvious but if you step back and take a deep breath you realize that it is one of the best things in life. Enjoy.

A bit of Irish Luck?

2009-03-16T22:06:00.007-04:00

A few random but somehow connected thoughts...

Home
First, I have to say that there is something about being home that is so great no matter how old you get and how long its been since the last visit. I love going home. I love seeing my parents and being in Indiana. Sure, it isn't Boston. That's the point. On Saturday, I walked around "downtown" Huntington and even went in the "fancy" store wearing my pajama/comfy clothes. Sunglasses can make any outfit seem hip, at least that's what I tell my uncool self. I truly love the midwest. It is relaxing. Comforting. Yes, there are some, well I guess you could call them hicks, but there are hicks out here too. Drive 45 minutes outside of Boston and sometimes I get scared. It's like a different world. Anyways, home has some of my favorite things...family, the BEST chocolate ever at DeBrands (i might have just ate a few pieces of chocolate/so long gym workout & calorie burn), tons of great memories, the coolest bag company--Baekgaard (that my brother and sister in law just happen to work at. but for real, super cool purses, bags, even a really cool "daddy bag." so cute. on an average day, my only cool factor is if i'm carrying on of those bags or purses. if not...minimal cool factor is lost. oh except for my kmart sunglasses), no traffic and peace and quite. Plus, my parents have a Wii and nothing is funnier that watching your parents, brother and sister in law practice their virtual hula hooping skills. Oh, and having my mom to shop with and take care of me....super bonus. And a visit wouldn't be a visit without being called outside to see some rodent (this weekend it was a mole--did you know they have really huge crazy paws?), snake or animal that came creeping out of the woodsy area. Thanks for making it such a great, relaxing visit. It was needed. I'm lucky.

People Surprise Me
You know, sometimes it is the unexpected gesture of kindness that touches me the most. I think it is so easy for people to walk away; especially when things are a little unexpected. In a way I never expected, someone has shown me that there are amazingly good people out there. People that are so kind and sweet and want to be there for you no matter what; it literally makes me teary-eyed. In this situation it's a little bittersweet too. I'm so incredibly touched. And thrilled. And grateful that this is truly who this person is at heart. And I'm lucky.

Success Rates: Risk versus Reward
When is giving up the right thing to do? If someone told you that something had a 10% potential success rate, would you fight for it or would you give up and quit fighting even if fighting and fighting hard could change the rest of your life and make it better? What is the success rate were 20%? Or 40%? When is it worth fighting for something and when is it worth giving up? When is the risk to high? And perhaps a better question is how do we assess the success rate? What if we are wrong? I guess this ties back to earlier thoughts about taking chances. My brain works in a very cyclical pattern. Not so lucky.

Expect the Unexpected
I think you can find some sanity (in a very strange way) when you open yourself up to the unexpected. But, what if you couldn't? What if you always relied on the percieved stable, safe bet? What happens when your safe bet is no longer the safe bet? Even safe bets don't work out sometimes. Sometimes the safe bet becomes the wild card. Sometimes you think you are taking the safe route and averting risk and that route ends up being the one that throws you for the biggest loop. Don't underestimate the capability of the safe bet to totally screw up your plans. Safe bet does not always equal lucky bet.

Salad, avacados and chips (mostly salt & pepper)
I love you all. Right now, I think I could survive on these three things alone. Yum. My house is lacking chips at the moment...me = not so lucky.

A love letter...to my DVR
I'm so glad I have you. Why did I wait so long to let you into my life? Yes, it was hard to let go of my collection of tapes but it was worth it. You are amazing. I feel very lucky when I realize I can watch a show I thought I missed. Lucky.

Am I lucky or not? Not really. Luck implies that good things just happen to you. Things never just "happen" to me. I've been in active participant in everything (the good, bad and in between) that got me here. But, for St. Patty's day, I'm going to pretend I've got a bit of Irish luck.

To qoute the button fly of a pair of jeans... "Lucky Me." Damn, or is it "Lucky You?"

If You Could Choose Happiness Would You?

2009-03-12T22:52:00.005-04:00

So I've been contemplating happiness a bit. Not the idea of it as much as what it means to different people and how important it is or isn't.

We live in a society that thinks happiness can be bought in Lexus, love is represented by the size of a diamond ring and self worth is defined by dollar signs. We live in a state of excess and things...things that I'm not sure really mean anything. Does any of the "stuff" really make us happy? Or are we just numbing ourselves in an effort to accept a life where we are, at the core, merely content because that's easier and safer than trying to find, or taking a gamble on, true happiness?

I'm often quick to criticize but I'm not going to do that. This is more of a curiosity rambling than anything.

Self admittedly, I'm kinda a happiness junkie. Maybe to a fault. And I'm not talking the kind of happiness you buy. If that worked for me, life might actually be easier. At least in this society.

I'm constantly searching for what makes me happy at the core and I've never found that in a car, diamond ring or expensive pair of shoes. I have found it in a person, a relationship, a friendship, a smile, a hug, a touch, a laugh, a conversation and even in a cat. I've been willing to make what might seem like sacrifices and to take risks to choose and seek out happiness. I've walked away from stability and comfort zones of all sorts to pursue happiness. It hasn't always ended well but the journey has been worth it.

Maybe, okay for sure, my life could be richer financially or more stable or more traditional but it wouldn't be worth it to me...that just isn't what life is about to me. For me, content isn't enough. It just isn't. I want more and I think I deserve more.

The tricky part is figuring out what the more is and that is when I think people turn to superficial happiness. The instantaneous energy and excitement that comes with a new toy is a great high. But it doesn't last. It just creates a craving for more. Then we end up in a endless cycle of working to make more money to buy more things and wanting even more things and back to working to make more money. Then we are caught in a life defined by financial pressures as our means for happiness. Is that what life is really all about?

Happiness and the levels of happiness clearly mean different things to different people. I can't claim to understand the different perspectives but I try (or I'm trying) to be respectful nonetheless.

Just for a minute though, think about what your life would be like, what would make you happy--truly happy at the core--if you ditched all your fears about stability, finances, reputation and stature. Would you have made different decisions? Is the life that you are living right now truly enough or would you be in a different place? What would your life be like?

I'm think my life would be pretty close to the life I'm living.

Life is too short even when it's long. I think everyone deserves to experience the true joys of happiness even when it comes along with sacrifice.

Asshole or Average Guy?

2009-03-03T21:59:00.004-05:00

The hot topic right now is Jason from the Bachelor. I'm not going to stand up for him but let's look at this objectively cause he is getting a lot of flack for doing something that guys do every day--in much worse fashion. I'm good with calling him an asshole but should he really be singled out? I don't think so.

People change their mind all the time in relationships. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high? And, it would probably be even higher if more people had the guts to admit when they are miserable and things aren't working and just get out. Is that such a bad thing? Should he have suffered for months or years if he wasn't happy? Isn't he entitled to be happy? To go for what he wants? Take out the national TV element and I bet we wouldn't think he was such a bad guy. In fact, take out that element and we probably all know someone who has gone through something much worse....some girl that has been treated even worse by some asshole guy that changed his mind. Asshole.

And really, he only strung Melissa along for what...somewhere between six to ten weeks? Some people get strung along for a lot longer. A year. Maybe more. Before some asshole guy decides that it "doesn't feel right." Strangely, it always feel right the night before when you are having sex. Weird how that works. And the excuses guys give. And the way they twist things around to put it back on you. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Personally, if I were Melissa, I would have taken that ring and swallowed it and told him he could sort through my shit if he ever wanted it back. Thankfully for her, she has more class than me. It isn't hard.

At least Melissa got out of it now. Feel bad for Molly. I think it was almost embarrassing how happy and willing she was to take him back. She doesn't know enough yet to realize what she is in for with Jason. She's like the wife whose husband cheats and she just keeps taking him back. Who's the bigger sucker? And who ends up happy in the end? Probably the one that gets out of the situation...even if its heartbreaking when it happens. Melissa will move on. Jason did her a favor. And the fact that he treated her like complete shit will probably help her move on.

So that's my take. I'm all for calling Jason what he is...an asshole. But let's be fair. If you are going to call one, call 'em all. For some, asshole might even be too kind.

There aren't a lot of nice guys out there. The ones that seem the nicest like Jason, the ones that seem picture perfect, those are usually the biggest assholes. At least with the known assholes you know what you are getting into.

But hey, who needs a guy? Not me. I'm thinking I'm better on my own. At least for a while. I like being on my own. Even when it sucks.

Focus on Your Ass-etts

2009-02-26T21:40:00.001-05:00

Last night I walked by the mirror at the gym and noticed something large and obtrusive hanging off my backside. I paused then took a second look.

Ugh.

It was my ass.

I don't know how I didn't notice but somehow in the recent past it got larger or perhaps saggier. Or both? I'm not exactly sure but I know it isn't the same.

This is a ongoing fear of mine. Somehow the combination of my Mom and Dad managed to "bless" all three kids with solid little booties. Junk in the trunk. My sister and brother were slightly more blessed than me but I've been gaining speed since I turned 18.

Here's a picture of a me, and my siblings (one married in)....not the best but you can get a feel for the family ass. Bonus points if you can pick my ass. More bonus if you can pick the one that married in. (Oh and I can proudly say that I've used my sister's ass as a tool to secure free drinks in a bar. Quality. Hey...you gotta work what cha got.)

I actually like having an ass. But when you have an ass, you have to take care of it. You have to maintain it. Cause once it goes all saggy corporate flat ass on you, it's just a bad scene. Bad. As in, so bad then for sure no one will want to date me. As if I need more deterrents. (And let me tell you, right now the guys are just lining up. Watch out.)

So I try to work at my ass. I stair master. I run. I do squats. Sometimes I just sit at my desk and squeeze my ass checks. But I think the cheese eating is doing me in. Something isn't working these days. And don't blame in on the fact that I'm creeping towards 30. That's an excuse. I hate cop outs.

Now, regardless of what your ass looks like--bubble butt, flat ass, large ass, round, no ass, whatever--there is absolutely no excusable reason to wear anything but a thong these days. (I have a feeling I might regret writing this out someday but I'm doing it anyways so I that I make myself wear one). Granny panties or as I call them "underwear with a butt" are just wrong. Unless you are at home. Not leaving. And crawling into bed soon.

Oh and let me clarify, I'm talking about women here. If I ever EVER see a man in a thong--and I don't care how drunk I am or how long its been since I last had sex, its over...I am outta there. But dear lord, please never let that happen to me.

Ladies...No one wants to see your underwear line. And absolutely no one wants to see your granny pants under pants that are so tight we can actually see where the cotton crotch sew in begins. Eww.

Thongs are not uncomfortable. They're great! They don't hurt or itch or cause wedgies. And, they don't create lines that the rest of us are forced to see.

I will make a concession on this harsh, black and white belief for boycut undies which I actually believe are super sexy. If you haven't tried 'em. Do. Definitely most fun and sexy when you are showing them off to someone. But, even those are best kept to the bedroom. Or living room. Or kitchen. Or backseat of a car. Whatever/wherever works for you. Know what I mean? But be careful, boycut shorts and a tank top...that can get you in trouble. Don't say I didn't warn you.

So, I think everyone should do themselves and the greater good a favor. Pay attention to your ass. Take some pride it in. Ditch the granny panties. Before you ass starts heading south towards sagsville.

Does Reality Really Bite?

2009-02-24T20:01:00.001-05:00

Reality sucks.

It's painful.

Sometimes horrible.

Confusing.

Frustrating.

Nothing like the movies.

And not anywhere close to my fantasies.

But every once in a while, something happens that makes you realize, it's all worth it.

All of the challenging moments, trying times and obstacles that left you feeling like reality just plain sucks...those were all part of the process that led you to this moment...and they were all worth it.

I don't know how often the big moments come, maybe more for some than others. I had one recently. And I can honestly say it was the best moment of my life so far. It was so outstanding and so amazing that every issue and challenge that I've encountered just faded away and suddenly the big picture seemed so much more clear (and no, it was not a drug induced moment. i swear). Everything that led me to that moment was worth it. I wouldn't go back and change a thing.

It made me remember that it's a waste of time to question, wonder and regret. It made me realize that I'm lucky. Really lucky. And I love my reality. In my reality I've experienced great things and not so great things. I've traveled and soaked up the realities of other lives and cultures. I've fought and won, and fought and lost. I've fallen in love, loved, been loved and been heart broken. I've cried and laughed so hard I cried. I've done amazing things that I wouldn't trade for anything. It hasn't been a fairy tale but it has been great. And, I'm thankful for it.

Plus, fantasy is totally overrated. I tried it. It was fun for a while. But ultimately I learned it wasn't real. I thought it was...that's the tough part about fantasy. It's really hard to tell it is a fantasy until it comes crashing in on you.

Hey, when even the fantasy of "The Bachelor" turns into harsh, horrible reality, it is pretty clear that fantasy--even the most contrived fantasy--can't become reality. If you haven't read the spoiler for the show yet all I can say is whoa. And this ending probably put the show as close to reality as it will ever get.

Reality is real. It's messy. It's ups that are so great and downs that are so horrible you truly realize how great the ups are. It's disappointment and amazing fulfillment. It is painful. But it is also utter and complete excellence.

So today, I plugged in my iPod and danced around the living room by myself to my favorite songs. I laughed at myself a little. Or a lot. Call me strange and crazy but I loved it.

I choose this. And I'm ready for whatever is next. Bring it on.

Could this be the last time?

2009-02-18T21:35:00.003-05:00

I always have this fear of something being the "last time." It's kinda weird.

It isn't a great way to live because it makes it really hard to enjoy the moment. But there are just some things that you know are eventually going to end. Even if you don't like 'em, for some strange reason it's still sad to me when it ends. And if you like 'em, it's even worse.

Tonight it snowed the most beautiful snow. Big flakes, fluffy and sooo pretty. It hasn't snowed in 12 days or something so that made it even more beautiful. But it also made me a little sad. What if this is the last really pretty snow of the season? It could be. I felt compelled to lay down in the driveway and make a snow angel. I always do this for the first snowfall...it is childish but I love it. And I think I make a damn good snow angel. But I didn't make the snow angel tonight; I didn't want to jinx it. I'll probably regret this next time I have to shovel.

Oh, and I am sick of winter. I'm so ready for spring. And summer.

My life is full of [strange] contradictions. That is part of what keeps it interesting.

Note to self: focus on enjoying the moment.

Letting Go... Participation Encouraged.

2009-02-15T20:13:00.021-05:00

The other day I read the "impersonals" from the Improper and there was one that I found absolutely hilarious. It got me thinking, why not use my blog to send out a few pseudo anonymous messages. Hmm...fun, dangerous, sweet, funny, mean, nice, slightly rude, endearing.

Yep. Sounds like a good idea. I hope that some of you will chime in with your own. This is a collection of thoughts from several months.

I think this is going to be therapeutic. Here it goes...

To the woman at they gym not wearing a bra today... Seriously? You've got at least 15 years on me and your boobs are already sagging several inches lower than mine. I get women's lib and all that but no bra at the gym? I mean, I strap mine in with the thickest most supportive sports bra ever and yours were just hanging there, bouncing all around on the elliptical. It made me cringe. It made my nipples hurt. I have a new love for my bras. And my own boobies, which I must say looked pretty damn good next to yours.

To the sweet young alternative guy, back in July, that gave me and my sister an umbrella when we (her very loudly) were bitching and giggling about the rain. That was so sweet. Thank you. You restored my faith in the kindness of strangers. We both couldn't stop talking about you for days.

To my most amazing family who has said to me numerous times "Stacey, there isn't much you could do that would surprise us anymore..." You sure about that? Cause I think I keep surprising you.

To Zergnerner...you are the coolest, smartest, nerdiest-in the cutest way possible sister-ever. I'm lucky to have you. So is Matt. Never forget that.

To you, who emailed me last week and probably didn't like my response...please stop. Truth is, I can't respond to your questions. Why? Cause I miss you. Cause you aren't that easy to get over. Cause I wish it weren't like this. And I fear falling into a crazy cycle of wonder, wishing and hope. And I won't do it. You walked away. Remember that.

To my mom who taught us kids that if you weren't bleeding you couldn't really be hurt that bad... Thanks, mom. Even when things have been tough, I haven't bled. So, I know I'm doing okay.

To a girl that I find absolutely obnoxious and, quite frankly, a snatch...if you want to talk shit about me behind my back at least have the courtesy to say mean things to me in person too. On the very rare occasions that I have seen you, you always play nice. Then you find reasons to talk shit about me to people I know. And why are you so interested in my life? Maybe because yours it that utterly pathetic. I pretended I didn't know for a while but you know what...I think you are an insecure little snatch. Oh, and you dress like a slut. From a trailer park. If I ever see you again and you pretend to be nice to me, I'm going to tell you this. Exactly. And I'm going to enjoy it.

To the girl that has become my rock lately...you let me vent. You hang out with me. You go out on "dates" with me. You listen and comment and yet you never seem to judge. I'm excited to share with you...and glad you are willing to be a part of it. You are an amazing woman. I'm so thankful to have you in my life and as part of my support system. You are making some guy very lucky.

To the text message that I never responded to...I'm sorry. That wasn't very nice. But I couldn't respond and be genuine. I didn't really feel the message was genuine. I would have said something that I didn't really mean and that isn't fair. So I didn't respond. Doesn't make it right and certainly doesn't make it nice but I just couldn't do it.

To the asshole that parked in front of my driveway...next time leave a note. I'm glad your car was towed.

To the guy that walks down the hall and I can always hear coming because I know the sound of his thighs rubbing together...hehehe. I think you are so funny. You always make me laugh. Mostly because you are one of the meanest people I know. And its not as if you don't pick on me too. But it's funny.

To the other hiheejnah...it amazes me how it never matters how much time passes, it's like a single day hasn't gone by. I think you are so cool. You are so fun. And you visit me. Even if I suck at visiting you. Do you want to be a lesbian couple? hehehee.

To all the asshole drivers who don't have a freakin clue how to drive in the city...GET OUT. And don't come back. Ever.

To my former Sunday at 11:55 dancing partner... I'll never hear that song and not think of you. That is a really good memory. It always makes me smile.

To anyone that stills wears leggings...this isn't a bad thing. I wear them too. I think they are fun and cool (then again, I have a tendency to dress like a out of date teeny bopper every once in a while). But there are some unspoken rules if you are going to wear them. Don't embarrass yourself. And, if you find yourself saying "really? what are the rules?" Then you shouldn't be wearing them at all; it's likely you have already embarrassed yourself.

To all the rude people that refuse to smile or acknowledge another person when they walk by...I just don't get. Would it kill you to say hello or good morning? I'm not asking you to be my friend but a friendly smile from you on the sidewalk would be nice.

To my favorite Jew...thanks for always schooling me in traditions and (in) appropriate behavior. Oh and reading my blog.

The my long lost friend and her little guy...you inspire me. You are a fantastic mom and many other things.

To my friends that let me drink til I puked then put me in bed and made their own dinner...damn, I'm a good host. I hope to repay the favor someday.

To the one that played catch with me in the park, made me smile til my face hurt and danced with me making me laugh so hard that I couldn't eat the peanut butter cup...those are two of my favorite memories. Thanks for helping me realize that this level of happiness exists. For that, I'm eternally grateful.

To the guys at the gym that wear cologne...that's gross. It makes me gag. It's a gym, not a club.

To my few close friends...I've realized I'm the kind of girl that, at least I think, would have a ton of people show up at my funeral but try to plan a birthday party and who shows up? Yeahhh. Quality not quantity. I've come to realize that I have a handful of close friends but those friends would do anything for me. You are the ones I talk to and rely on. And you always offer to help even I don't ask for help. You know who you are...near and far. Thanks for being there. I'm lucky.

To anyone that is afraid to take chances, that is afraid to just close your eyes and jump...I think you're missing out. There is a lot of life to live; sometimes you have to trust your instinct and go for it.

And finally to you...you've changed my life already. And I can't wait for you to change it even more.

This was perhaps too enjoyable. I feel lighter. I feel good. I might have to do this again soon.

Anyone else?

Living on the Cheap

2009-02-15T10:09:00.004-05:00

Finally I might actually be cool. Okay that's a stretch. But, in such a shitty economic state being cheap has become cool and that is something I do very well (the cheap part...not the cool part).

I'm trying really hard right now to save some money. Not exactly easy ever since I made the bold decision to keep my condo post divorce and the jumbo mortgage payment that is...well, seemingly much larger when you only have one income. Regardless, it is really important that I find a way to create a little nest egg right now. Thankfully, I've been cheap for a while. It started in college when it occurred to me that I could save a ton of money and walk away with much less in college loans if I finished the program in three years instead of four. So, I did. It worked. I'm thrifty...

Since saving money is probably a struggle alot of people are feeling right now, I thought I would share some of my tips:

1) Create a budget and stick to it. Allot a certain amount of money for various categories (groceries, eating out, gas, etc) and arrange so that you are left with a set amount for saving every month. Excel can be your best friend. Stick to the budget. Update your spreadsheet throughout the month so you know where you stand.

2) Detox. Stop drinking for a month. Your waistline will shrink. Your face will be less puffy. You wallet will thicken.

3) If detox isn't an option, seriously cut back on drinking out. Have some friends over and buy some wine/beer. It is amazing how much you can save by at home. (Note: when you find yourself drinking at home. Alone. With a box of wine. Night after Night. Forget this advice. Go out and find yourself some friends. You are sad and lonely and need a life. It is worth the cost.)

4) Paper towels are huge. Who needs a whole one? Rip 'em in half. Guests might laugh at you but who cares, your paper towel roll will last twice as long. (And, yes...I do this.)

5) I couldn't create a list without mentioning how much you can save by wearing deodorant less frequently. Embrace your natural scent and that stick will last a lifetime. Or at least a season. I really have no idea how quickly most people use a stick of deodorant. Mine last a loooong time...cheap and smelly. A perfect combo when you are single.

6) Plan your meals for the week and bring a list to the grocery story. A pan of spinach lasagna is cheap and can last a few days when you make it at home. If you know what you need and plan it out, you'll spend less and waste less. Even in my increasingly cheap days, I still opt for many organic items and do the majority of my shopping at whole foods. Even 80 bucks a week at whole foods is still a hell of a lot cheaper than eating/drinking out.

7) DO NOT buy coffee out every morning. Make it at home. It is cheaper and tastes better. Plus, you can drink it while you get ready and on the ride in.

8) Pack your own lunch. If you spend 6 bucks a day on lunch that is 30 bucks a week. In a year, that is huge savings.

9) Try to walk more and drive less. Save on gas and its good for you.

10) Only take showers at the gym. Save on hot water. (Okay, I don't do this but it is a good idea.)

11) Ditch that super expensive gym membership. There are tons of gyms out there for less than 30 bucks a month. Why are people still paying $70+? Fluffy white towels and hot tubs you never use? Or is it those little tv's in the treadmill? Try jogging outside. It's free and entertaining!

12) Before you buy something, think first. Do you really need this? Or do you just want this?

13) Wholesales clubs. If you don't go crazy and you do some price comparisons, you can really save with these memberships. Often best for non-food items (cat litter--who cares if it is so big I can barely carry it into my house, paper towels, trash bags, oh and peppermint patties. Yum). But don't assume prices here are best. Often times a sale at Target is just as good.

14) Allot yourself and your guests a set number of toilet paper squares per use. But don't buy that scratchy ass cheap tp. Have some standards.

15) Be Creative. Make your own art. Look for free events around the city. Go wine tasting...and don't buy anything. Listen to Bob Marley and have a freedom fest at home.

16) Like movies? Find a student ID for going to the theater and find a RedBox for renting. A dollar a night is pretty damn cheap. Plus, half the time, they don't have anything you want to see so you end up saving.

17) Find pleasure in the little things....errr.... simple things. Whatever that means to you. Some pleasures in life are free. At least for the moment.

18) Be content. Not at easy as it sounds but some of the happiest people in the world have the least material things.

Well, that is a start. Yes, some of these are more funny than serious but if you just implement a few, I'm sure you can start saving some cash money. If you have ideas, add them.

Every negative has a positive and as the economy continues to creep further into the shitter I think it is forcing people to refocus on some of the basics. Excess and greed are overrated. Think about the things that are truly important to you and focus on those things.

My Favorite Hallmark Holiday

2009-02-10T19:18:00.002-05:00

...Valentine's Day is just around the corner and I'm filled with anxious anticipation of all the flowers, love letters, fancy dinners and chocolates. Mmm..so much fun.

Or, not at all.

Valentine's Day has never really been my thing. I think if you really love someone, you probably don't need a designated day to be coerced into telling them how much you care with Hallmark cards and flowers that die a few days later.

But, the upcoming holiday, does give me a reason to touch on a two topics:

He's Just Not That In to You
Saw it over the weekend. Loved it. I thought it was hilarious and fairly true to life in some situations. Probably all of us have stared at our phone waiting for it to ring or even better--for a simple text message to show up. In hindsight, it's funny...and a bit pathetic. But hey, that is life.

The one part that I didn't think was so on target was the simplicity of the guys in the movie. If only it were like that in real like...finding guys that really do give obvious clues like not calling or telling you they are going "away" for a few days--that's easy to figure out and often appreciated (honestly, women aren't always looking for a relationship or even second date) But, most guys aren't really that "honest." Guys are just as wishy washy and confusing as women. Maybe more so. I think guys melt in situations and just start saying what they think you want to hear. Then suddenly, months later, the backbone and the truth final makes an appearance and its like they never really cared. Or they did but suddently its changed. Who knows.

Anyways, I could write an entire entry about more signs that he's not that into you...I've got some good ones. But, I'll refrain.

Everyone Says it But How Often Does it Really Happen...
The concept of being friends with an "ex" especially an ex-wife or ex-husband is one that alot of people talk about but I don't think it really happens that often. I consider myself pretty lucky. It's been less than a year since the divorce and my ex and I truly are friends. We talk, we hang out sometimes, we still help each other out. Personally, I think there is some benefit to getting out before it gets horrible, when you can still be civil, when you can move on but still have each other as a friend eventually.

Today, my ex sent me a very funny article about Valentine's Day and divorce. I considered this gesture another sign that we are friends, that we can laugh a little, that even though it was tough we've both gotten through it and we are glad each other is doing okay.

If you ever been through a break up (any long term relationship) you'll get a kick out of the article. The article opens with:

"Quick, name three things that suck. I'll help you out. How about: 1) Valentine's Day, 2) being a new divorcée and 3) spending your first Valentine's Day as a new divorcée? I know. I'm pretty good at this."

Well, I can add to that... 4) Spending your first Valentine's Day post divorce alone, oh and...Valentine's Day was my wedding anniversary. (I could even add one more thing to this but that would cause this to cross the line into pathetic)

Sad or Funny? I'm going with funny.

So, Happy Valentine's Day....enjoy the hallmark holiday, the dates, the dinners, the false pretenses.

I'll be eating lots of chocolate on Saturday. And I will miss the homemade card this year.

Simplify

2009-02-04T20:37:00.002-05:00

Lately I've been on a total country music kick. I'm from Indiana so it isn't that far fetched...I was into country music way before it was east coast cool. I go in phases now. Sometimes I love it. Then I need a little break. Right now, I love it.

Know why?

It makes life seem simple.

It's laid back. Relaxed. Simple. The songs always me help me step back and realize that there are only a few things in life that are really that important. And most of the things I worry about aren't anywhere close to making it on the truly important list.

I want life to be simple. It isn't a easy as it sounds. I closed my eyes and wished that I would open them and find myself hanging out on someones wrap around porch in the country, kicking back, hanging out and drinking a cold beer on warm summer night wearing jeans and a tank top without worries about paying the mortgage and trying to figure out what is going to happen next in life--it didn't happen.

And fine...I'm not sure that I would really be happy with that day after day. I strangely like my crazy, complicated life. I must. For now. Cause I choose it and craziness time and time again.

Simplify.

I'm working on that anyways. I started superficially simplifying by spending some time organizing my basement last weekend. And I've been letting go of some other things cluttering my life and making room for new things. It isn't always easy but I think it is worth it. No more complicated stuff. It isn't good for my new simple lifestyle.

By the summer, I hope to be in carefree bliss. Living in the moment and appreciating the little things in life.

This is my official goodbye to complicated. I don't think I'm going to miss you.

Losing Sucks. So why try?

2009-02-02T21:32:00.004-05:00

So I'm watching The Bachelor and I've become addicted. It's several weeks into the show and the five remaining girls have "fallen in love." Forget the fact the I'm a super cynical person and find it a bit crazy to think that you can really fall in love in a situation like that...so quickly...with so many crazy elements involved. Then again, maybe it isn't so far fetched. What do I know.

I got me thinking...lets give these girls the benefit of the doubt and assume they really have fallen in love, does it seem crazy that they would sign up for this and let themselves fall, even though they know, they know there is an extremely high likelihood they are going to lose?

Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

Judging by the tears I've seen on the show, I'm not so sure. Looking beyond the "reality" show, it's an interesting perspective to consider.

If you knew how things would end, if you knew someone would leave you, or you would be forced to walk away, would you still do it? Why?

I'm a girl that loses more than I win. I'm a cynic. I'm a pessimist. I'm a harsh realist. And I would still do it. Why? I guess cause there's always a chance. Sometimes you have to just hold your breath and jump and put it out there. And I think, there is something that makes it easier to deal with if you can say that you gave it your all, you fell...even if you lose, you know you gave it your best shot.

I don't have a favorite for Jason yet. I do find him adorable and the bond he has with his little guy is enough to melt my heart... But, I do have a slightly new found respect for the girls on the show that put it all out there. That's more than a lot of people are willing to do. Or maybe I'm just turning into a romantic softie....probably not.

New Year....New Blog?

2009-01-30T16:25:00.003-05:00

So I'm a little late to the "making things happen in the new year" idea. Oh well. Its almost February and I'm now thinking I ought to get back on the blog bandwagon. Why not? Its cold and dreary outside, my like three friends (okay that might be a stretch) are probably getting sick of me and in the past few months tons has happened that can serve as inspiration for my ramblings. So, its back to the internet as a social life and my blog as a one-way friendship--it always listens, likes me no matter what and sometimes I swear it giggles at me; I love it.

Before I jump in, let me throw this out there.... I know my blog needs some updating (those songs I posted are ankshint now) but beyond that I'm wondering if I should change the name of my blog. Or, move this over to another location. Truth is, I so rarely talk about anything green, clean is debatable and I'm going to try to stay away from mean. I think. Unless I really need to rant.

So should I change it? I can't decide. Small decisions have always been really tricky for me. Take me to Christina's (the best local ice cream place) and it'll take me 20 minutes to decide which kind of ice cream I want (as if I couldn't just walk down there again the next day if I was that desperate for the other flavor). but give me a huge, life changing decision and I can decide in nearly an instant. I'm--for good and bad--a go with your gut kinda girl. But, my gut likes all ice cream.

I'll be pondering this. And, I'll post something real soon. So many topics I could talk about, how does one decide which to bore people with? Oh wait, its been so long that I'm pretty sure my three readers have stopped checking in on it. Hmmm...that could be even better.

Super quick one....

2008-10-06T22:34:00.003-04:00

Quick can still be worthwhile.

Its more about what you offer...most of the time...some of the time...once in a while.

Anyways, my super quick thought tonight: Life is like this crazy roller coaster.

Side note: Who's been to Cedar Point? Serious roller coasters there. We used to go the day after Prom. And other times too. So cool. (I'm totally going next summer...who wants to come with?)

Ups and downs and twists and turns. Craziness. That's what life is like. Some of the time. And even though it seems beyond kooky in the process, and you get scared shitless and think you aren't going to make it, You do. And then what do you do? You line back up to ride again. You ride till they kick you out. Cause when you find that thrill, even when its tough, its hard to give up.

My life = total roller coaster. Sometimes its scary but sometimes it is crazy and fun. Right now, I'm completely buckled in and strapped down, ready for some thrills. Dangerous. Danger mouse. Go for a ride.

Awkward? Could have been...

2008-10-05T23:17:00.003-04:00

Do you know that there is a HUGE difference between "how are you?" and "how ARE you?" When the emphasis is on the are, it's a totally different question.

"How are you" is casual...laid back...checkin' in style. "How ARE you?" is the opposite. Total opposite. It's usually delivered in almost a whisper and the are is kinda drawn out. It's the kinda of question and delivery that makes it clear no one really cares how you are doing right now. What they mean is more along the lines of "we really want to just ask what your life is like now and what happened and why but no body really wants to say anything cause it just seems awkward."

Well, guess what? Usually, it isn't nearly as awkward as you think so just ask. Just say something. You want to know...ask. (Its awkward when you don't and instead just keep asking "how ARE you? but how ARE you?" And FYI...the answer to that question doesn't change within five minutes so no need to keep asking.)

I somewhat avoided awkwardness twice in one day. Well, probably more than that but I'll stick with twice.

One had potential to be really awkward..one might even say dangerous. But, it really wasn't. It was fine. Completely fine. Well okay, it was a little awkward and "oh shit" like but overall, not bad.

The second awkward moment...or more like few hours...well, that wasn't really avoided either. But, I think I went with it okay. Granted, I felt like I needed to get out of the situation so that everyone could finally talk about me but I have that sort of paranoid feeling often. Even when it isn't an awkward situation.

So that is my theory for the weekend...so many situations can be awkward...if you let it be awkward. Or, you can embrace things for what they are and roll with it.

I'm rolling with it. Rolling...

Actually, two awkward moments is an understand. Here's a few more from this weekend, just cause. I mean, someone ought to get a laugh at my expense:

**Shopping at Costco on Saturday and realizing I just bought 200 trash bags for my single family household. This leads to realization that Costco membership, maybe not so necessary. (On the plus side, I have a ton of trash bags and swiffer pad things. i'm good for a solid year or so.)

**Laughing at myself for the realization moment, I couldn't resist jumping on my cart like a child in the parking lot and pushing along while gliding with one leg. You know, you all want to do this in the parking lot. It was all fun and games til the cart almost tipped. Funny. Awkward. Funny.

**Driving home on Friday from work, I was once again busted in my car dancing. Like really dancing. I used to get embarrassed. Not any more. This happens too frequently. I just keep dancing. It's not awkward for me...but I think it is awkward for those around me.

That's probably enough sharing for now...More stories later. I have plenty of them.

And, I think i might wear a skirt with lights. How cool is that picture? Which is probably only one step above my striped skirt and leggings outfit from last week. Plus, I think skirt with lights might be good for my pending dance recital. Which I'm totally having in December. Even if its at my house. When I'm all alone. Dance recital. With my new ballet shoes and a light up skirt. Fun times.

Detox is for Quitters? & Why vs Why Not

2008-09-30T19:36:00.004-04:00

Right? Maybe there is a time in your life when detox is the right thing to do. And, maybe there is a time in life where it is absolutely the wrong thing to do. You're right...it might not be the best thing for me right now. I mean, I think I look my best with a glass of wine in hand. And, how am I supposed to dance around the house with the music blaring if I don't first have a teeny tiny little drink?

Detox is for quitters. (Heather Locklear...not a quitter.)

Hmmm... Or, maybe quitting is a good thing. Could quitting be a good thing?

Well, in this instance, I don't think quitting is a good thing. And, for the record, if you are ever thinking about detox, don't buy a box of wine a few days before. Bad idea.

Moving on...

I went to ballet last night. Whoah. I'm gonna need some training before I try out for the nutcracker. But, I think it is going to be good. I think it might also make me more lady like. Probably not a horrible idea since I think I swear like a truck driver. And, my ass and legs hurt today. Bad...but good. It's only a matter of time before I am lady like with a better ass and damn good legs. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Moving on again...

Another topic for conversation is why vs why not...

I think about this a lot. Why? Why? Why? But, I'm trying to change my perspective and think about why not...

Why not take ballet class as an adult?
Why not have a pub crawl?
Why not go to your friends party all by yourself?
Why not stay up late once in a while?
Why not sleep in sometimes and skip the gym?
Why not just do it?
Why not? Why not? Why not?

I think in life we regret what we don't do more than what we do do ... So, why not go for it? Take chances. Stretch a little.

I'm gonna have to remind myself of this. But, I think its good.

I need to go back to my adventure list. Karaoke star didn't work out this weekend.

Why, Why, Why??? Dunkin Donuts is Gross.

2008-09-23T19:58:00.003-04:00

Okay, maybe someone can enlighten me cause I don't get the Dunkin Donuts thing.

From the end of my driveway, I can turn left or right and reach a Dunkin Donuts in less than five minutes. And yet, after five years of living here, I don't think I've ever had a cup of coffee from either locations (okay fine...maybe one "i'm so hungover and desperate for coffee and should have gone to the store days ago cup. And, yes...I've had a few donuts here and there).

First of all, the coffee is NASTY. Any cup of coffee that requires excessive amount of cream and liquid sugar can't possibly be that good. Seriously.

Second: My other love in life...budgeting. Do you have any idea how much a daily cup of coffee costs??? Let's just say you spend $1.50 per day at DD. And that might be low. 30 days x $1.50 (more math than this MBA student can handle) but that's 45 dollars a month!!! Seriously, 45 bucks on a daily cup of nasty-ass coffee. Personally, I would rather spend the money on decent beer. I mean, I spend $10 a month on the organic pacific rim blend from whole foods. I make it at home and love it. I wish I had a remote that started the coffee from my bed but oh well. (Yes, I have a timer but I heard that sucks energy so I don't use it. I'm trying to train my cat to hit the grind and start button but until that works I drag my lazy, tired ass downstairs and hit the button then impatiently wait till it is done so i can have a cup while i get ready.)

Third: Do you even need a third reason at this point? (Side note: Funny NY Mag article about DD and the image for NY drinkers among other things)

Fourth: STYROFOAM. Gross. So bad. So so so so bad. Today, I saw a guy carrying three iced coffees. All in plastic cups encased in styrofoam. Is that really necessary? Generally speaking, styrofoam takes like an eternity to biodegrade which = bad news. But, if you recycle, not as bad. Or if you use double paper cups and that stupid cardboard sleeves cause you wimpy ass can't handle the heat, then that is just as a bad.

Here is a much more truly green site/blog that has more details about how horrible DD and the styrofoam is for the environment. Unlike my blog which is more about my crazy issues and the occasional green concern.

So my advice... buy organic, fair trade coffee and brew at home. You get a very nice aroma, coffee whenever you want it, and save money and can walk around feeling good about the environment. (FYI...I feel like the coffee aroma gets on my clothes so I smell like coffee all day long...further negating the need for deodorant.) Plus, if you pick up a stainless steel mug you can sip in enjoyment all the way to work and savor every last drop without any concerns about coffee breath. Cause, who cares if your coworkers think you have coffee breath when you walk through the door. Unless you happen to be making out with a co-worker upon arrival. In which case, go you. Or not. Depends on the co-worker scene, I suppose.

IDEA: Seriously, this is something people can actually impact. Avoid the styrofoam. Don't double cup. Bring your own reusable cup. Encourage change.

I think MJ said it best, "I'm starting with the man in the mirror. Oh yeah....Make the change." (Did he just say "sha'mon? what does that mean??)

Geez...I like him. He really is brilliant. Minus the little boy issues. But hey, we've all got issues, right? Suddenly, I feel normal.

Expanding Adventure List

2008-09-22T22:44:00.002-04:00

Adding to the list:
**Road trip with no destination
**Go to a boxing gym and take lessons
**Try snowboarding
**Go for a hot air balloon ride
**FINALLY go to Vegas
**Actually play golf
**Yoga retreat weekend
**Become a karaoke star
**Camping
**Zipline treetop thing

Karaoke star could happen this weekend... anything is possible.

Fuego?

2008-09-22T20:14:00.005-04:00

I feel completely torn right now and I absolutely hate that feeling. I'm such an over thinker so being torn about something really sucks.

One of those days where every step forward was an equal, if not greater, step backward.

I got up this morning to do my long run...which is great and it even felt good. But it was so slow. That sucked. And that made me a little late to work. Annoying. And, yes...I do at least try to get to work before 9:30. Most days.

Decision-making is tricky sometimes. I'm not always sure one way or the other about things. but what i have decided is that what feels good in the moment is not always the best decision cause the reverberations of a moment can last longer than you would ever expect. Or, at least longer than I would expect. Or, maybe longer in a way that hadn't hoped for. Challenges...

Its kinda like running on an injury... Despite the annoyance of getting your lazy ass out of bed, you love running. The rush at the end is so worth the part in the beginning when you can't breath. Then you push too hard and you hurt something. You're injured and hurt. When do you run through the pain and keep going and when do you rest? Or stop all together? What happens when you rest but then can take it any more so you get up and run. and at first it feels good. But then it hurts really bad and you realize you might have just opened up the injury that was just beginning, maybe just a little bit, to start to heal. Probably running wasn't a good idea. Oh and on a side note, body glide is amazing. No more chafing.

It's all about finding the balance, I suppose. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. That being said, I can't really wallow. I mean, at the end of the day, even a really shitty day for me is still a pretty good day. Big picture thinking. Grounding.

So, right now, I am desperately trying to figure something out. Actually, there isn't really anything to figure out. Maybe that is the most challenging part. Maybe I need someone to tell me to let go. I'm not actually that good at that.

Hmm.... hmmm....hm... damn.

Oh, and fuego has nothing to do with this post but it is from this song. And, I'm still dreaming of my condo in Toronto and the mansion in wis-can-sen.

Yeah, this is what I do. I'm odd.

Fuego. (Is that even how it is spelled? I have no idea.)

Energy: Make it Work FOR You

2008-09-20T10:52:00.004-04:00

Another piece of wisdom from yoga... and this is actually science based. I would call this a meld of science and spirituality. Mmmmm....so nice.

Essentially, every resistance, challenge, tension, frustration....it's all energy. And energy is move-able and transferable so you can channel that energy in any direction you want--into something more useful and enjoyable. Maybe even pleasurable.

That gives me a different perspective on dealing with pain--physical and emotional. Instead of ignoring it, embrace it and ground yourself in it then you can transfer the energy into something more useful.

Seriously, try it. Next time you're feeling tense, stressed, mad, upset, something hurts, whatever....focus on it and use the energy for something else.

Okay, I'm channeling apple picking and cider donuts. Yum. Yum. Fun.

Oh and if you need a pick me up, try this song. Still lovin it.

If you find an unexpected sticky note on your screen...

2008-09-19T22:54:00.010-04:00

.....

Door wedge.

Genius.

Totally unrelated, I think I heard something profound tonight but I have no clue what it was.

But, I do know, and what I can say is that I'm lucky. Its not often you play #3 to 2 and not feel funny about it. I did. It's pretty cool. And it is a credit to #1 and #2.

The Good Life??

2008-09-18T22:31:00.005-04:00

Dinner. At 10:30. Some might say its the good life, yeah yeah.

Honestly, tonight I'm not complaining. It could be better...but it ain't half bad. I mean, I know one thing that would make it even (way) better...but, we all know, it doesn't matter how bad you want something, you can't always have it.

Sometimes in life you just jump and hope you'll land on your feet. But you don't right away. Then suddenly, you start to feel your feet underneath you. Maybe even just your toes touching the ground. And you start to realize that jumping was a good idea.

There is a lot to life. For every challenge there is an opportunity...Which reminds me of my adventure list. So....here's a start:

**Go to a boxing gym and take lessons
**Try snowboarding
**Go for a hot air balloon ride
**FINALLY go to Vegas
**Actually play golf
**Yoga retreat weekend
**Become a karaoke star
**Camping
**Zipline treetop thing

Alright, well this is a decent start. I'll update with more ideas later.

If anyone wants to try an adventure with me, let me know. Otherwise, stay tuned for my reports on adventures.

Life is too short to be miserable; too long to not be happy.

Enjoy the last few days of summer.... I'm begging, pleading, for one more beach day.

Please Don't Make Me Read Online Books...

2008-09-16T19:43:00.003-04:00

That is the other option right now...and it's a book about IS Management. Such an exciting life I lead. GLAMOROUS. SEXY. HOT. HOT. HOT.

Has anyone heard that John Mayer song "say what you need to say?" I have. I have this really obnoxious habit of listening to songs on repeat. Its a bit ridiculous and bizarre. It happens all the time but when I'm running it happens even more. I'm training for a half marathon so last weekends long run was 9 miles...which is about 90 minutes (give or take...mostly give a few minutes). Can you imagine 90 minutes of that song? Okay, I didn't really listen to it for the entire jog but let's just say I did here it a few times. I heard a few other songs a few times too.

So, I'm blaming John Mayer for my latest behavior(s). 45 minutes of "say what you need to say" will leave you feeling like you ought to just say something....like it is a good idea...like its better than saying nothing.

But is it? I'm not sure yet. But I did it anyways. And I'm totally going with it. I'm an overthinker so the more I can get out ... probably (maybe? probably?) the better.

Now will someone please help me and take this damn song song off my iPod???

Alright, time for mac and cheese (not a good home made kind....generic Annies... again, glamorous life, baby.) I've successfully avoiding online book reading until dinner.

Adventures list to follow when I avoid reading again after dinner...

The LIST

2008-09-15T22:23:00.005-04:00

Know why I'm blogging more lately? Yoga. I think yoga has a profound impact on me (plus, I'm convinced I'm getting more fit too...extra bonus).

Tonight at the end of class when I was trying to meditate, I started thinking about everything possible. I'm not so good at the meditation yet. But I am getting very stretchy. And I'm sweating ALOT....like more than I thought possible. I am a super sweater. Its kinda gross but really cleansing. Anyways, there were so many thoughts tonight that it is really hard to pick one. Its too late to write about all of them but I don't want to forget them either. Maybe I will write them on my chalkboard wall (which I am in love with). I write notes to myself there...to do lists, doodles, self affirmations, comments about the weather. All sorts of wackiness. I think its cool. But, like most things I think are cool, the majority probably think it is weird. Want to see my wall? Here is a picture from when I was painting it.

Yes, essentially it is a black wall but it isn't just any black wall, it's a wall you can write on. I have big plans and big dreams for this wall. I liiiiike it. (And, really...that's all that matters, right?)

But, my chalkboard wall was not one of the things on my list to talk about tonight so enough with that.

There was one thing I thought about writing about, it relates to my trip to India last year but it is too serious for right now. So, I'll save that for a more contemplative night. Like tomorrow. Or the next.

Now that I've strung you along, here's my thought for tonight. I've decided that I'm going to use the next few months exploring and going on "adventures." How many times have you sat around and thought about doing something or really wanted to try something but decided not to for various reasons? Probably a lot..at least for me. So, I'm going back to my list of things that I've been wanting to do and I'm doing them. It'll take some time and the list will evolve, I'm sure, but I'm committing to doing these things.

So, up first: Ballet. Pursue Dream of Becoming Ballerina.To kick of the "new adventures," I signed up for a ballet class. I'm a little concerned about the "leotard and tights" requirement but otherwise I'm looking forward to it. I've been wanting to go back to dance for years so here I go. Plus, I'm thinking it will be really good for my posture (a constant concern of mine) and good for toning. Class starts in two weeks. Recital in 10 weeks. My mom already promised she would come. (She once promised she would come see me if I ever ran a marathon. that was enough, well sorta part of the incentive, to run. and with a little convincing she came to ny last year and saw me run and finish. and nearly cry after. maybe one tear of pain and one tear of joy. but that's all.)

So that is the beginning of the "Adventure List." Tomorrow, I'll post a list of other things I'm planning to pursue and I'll update you on my progress. Good, and likely very funny times, ahead...

Note: Recital part is a joke. Although, it does sound like fun. And, no I don't get to wear point shoes and I have no intentions of wearing a frilly tutu skirt. Yet.

Going Natural--Au Natural--Being One with Nature

2008-09-14T17:40:00.006-04:00

Okay, these are probably just weird, but I thought I would share a few "natural" things that I have been doing lately...

Coconut Oil: Smells so good. I decided to try it in my hair. I've done this twice and no one has said anything about pina coladas when I'm in earshot so I think it is safe. I bought the oil for cooking and making granola but for some strange reason decided it might make my hair soft and shiny. And, I think it is working! I throw it in my hair (sometimes dry and sometimes wet) and leave it in for about an hour. During that hour, I smell really nice and look really greasy. Then I wash it out and wallah....conditioned hair. Its chemical free and probably cheaper than all those "intensive conditioning treatments" at stores. Of course, I can't vouch for anything more than my interpretation of success but still...

Lavender: I have a minor obsession with lavender. I think it smells so good (much like coconut) and its very calming. I bought some lavender essential oil and mixed some drops with water: instantaneous body spritz. Smells good, cooling, relaxing and not pumped full of all sorts of chemicals and "fragrance." You can also mix a few drops with a vitamin E body oil. Or throw it in a bath. Spritzer is also great on your sheets and pillows.

Mint: Mint is growing wildly around my place. Sometimes I pick it and put it down the dish disposal. Last year, I tried drying it hanging off my porch. It became a joke because it got rained on so much and I never brought it inside. This weekend, I tried something different...I don't recommend this. There was a bunch of mint in a vase at yoga on saturday and alice mentioned that she threw some in the hamper with the clean towels. Brilliant I thought. Why not take it one step further? I dried my towels then threw a bunch of mint into the dryer for a few minutes. In hindsight, I can see why this was a bad idea. The mint shriveled up and got warm and brown. The towels still took on some of the fresh mint smell but overall ... not a good experience. I guess I'll save the mint for mixing with alcohol or something.

Sleep Naked: If we all stopped wearing clothes to bed, think about the massive amounts of water we could save every year by minimizing the amount of laundry. And, that means even less harsh detergents entering our water supply. In fact, nudist colony could be the way to go.

Something to think about in the quest to be green... And, I'm kidding on the sleep naked thing. I live in the city and I pretty sure my neighbors already think I weird. I don't need to give them anymore ammunition. (Someday, I'll tell you about why the people that live behind me probably think I'm weird.)

Stay tuned...I going to start looking into dish detergent and laundry detergent that are green, safe, good for you and actually work. I haven't had much success with either so if you know any good ones, let me know.

The Waiting Game...

2008-09-13T20:08:00.005-04:00

A few years ago I made one of the wisest investments ever...a timed feeder for my very dog-like cat. My cat, affectionately known as "the dookster," is not your average cat. I blame it on the fact that he is from LA (he likes attention, he has OCD, he's hooked on his youth). He is a strange cat, probably why I like him, and he doesn't gingerly eat his food throughout the day. He demolishes it as soon as its in his dish. Before the timer, I might as well have been a walking bag of purina. Everytime I came through the door, he saw only the person that feeds him and cried and meowed and whined until I did that. It was annoying. Plus, I was overfeeding. And so the timed feeder arrived. Now, he is fed twice a day at the same time.

And so the waiting game begins...

I think cats are smarter than people imagine. Yes, he licks his ass. And the place where his manhood used to be. You think that makes him not smart? Some might argue the opposite. But, despite my belief in the dookster's smarts, I don't think he can tell time. And yet every day, about an hour before his feeder feeds him, he sits at the top of the stairs and waits. Nothing could pull him away from that space.

And then, suddenly... the timer goes off. Food is released. The dookster makes his sprint downstairs and gobbles the food as fast as possible. As if I'm going to steal it from him. Tempting.... but no. I've felt desperate before but I have standards. At least kinda.

The waiting game...its all about the waiting game.

I wonder how long he would wait and hope for the food if night after night it didn't come?

Waiting is something we all do. I mean, I pride myself on always being late so I do a lot less waiting than the average but sometimes in life...you wait...and wait...even when you don't want to or realize that you are.

Do people really slip into waiting routines without even knowing it? Do we wait for things even though we know they aren't going to happen?

Hmmm.... I wonder where the line falls between waiting and hoping? Is one better than the other?

Enough deep thoughts.

Unrelated but worthy of noting...

I had a great day today. I saw a friend of mine from years ago and hung out with her and her three year old little boy. Adorable. It was great. Plus, we had burgers (mine with bacon and blue cheese cause if you are going to do it...go all the way. And, milkshakes (yes, the menu called them frappes but I still call them milkshakes. Stupid east coast). Yum. Yum. Yum.

And, today at yoga I learned that yoga is good for your sex life. As the amazing "hot alice" said, "it's all about blood flow."

another hmm.... I wonder how long the benefit lasts....

I've Just Been Busy with Absolutely Nothing

2008-09-09T21:34:00.005-04:00

Despite what you may have thought (or a select few might have wished), I didn't totally fall off the earth...I've just been really busy doing absolutely nothing. Kinda.

Does it really matter that I have posted since June? Almost three months ago? I think not. I mean really, since hardly anyone reads this and Jon already told me numerous times that essentially my blog is dead, why not revive?? Expectation is low...the perfect opportunity for success. And besides, sometimes the unexpected is the absolute best.

Plus, I'm back in school for my final semester of my MBA and I'm all about homework avoidance techniques. This and my Facebook obsession are perfect. I have a few other obsessions...but we'll have to become closer friends before I divulge those. Or one obsession specifically. Much closer friends.

So, I'm committed to writing more frequently. I'm also committed to running more, doing yoga more, drinking less and eating alot of chocolate as a substitute. Sounds fun, right? Yeah...that's what I think.

I would try to catch you up on my life in the last three months but I won't bore you with the details of what I did this summer. Boring. Totally boring.

The real question is...what should I write about? I'm thinking I probably ought to take this back to its original intention and focus on things green-esque. (Who cares if in my slackerville summer I veered from all the "rules" and kinda liked it?...at least temporarily.)

Or, maybe I'll just continue to talk nothingness about my crazy life.

Maybe my next topic will be about me, Lauren and our first experience together with "Hot Alice."

The options are endless... I like it that way.

Breathe...

2008-06-17T09:21:00.002-04:00

I heard this at yoga this week and thought it was too good and important not to share....

Breath/breathing is the difference between living in a moment and being paralyzed by a moment.

So this is just a reminder to keep breathing. See how simple life can be?

Let's Be Honest...

2008-06-05T22:53:00.003-04:00

...hardly anyone reads this. Which I kinda like. It gives me the opportunity to really say something important....thank you.

thanks for reading. thanks for being there...like constantly. in your office, with the door shut, listening to me vent. thanks for promising to go to the beach this summer. thanks for the golf inspiration. and thanks for the golf glove (so cool). thanks for the promise to play with me in stoneham. and explaining the IPC (?? what). thank you. thank you. thank you.

and wow...thank god for golf.

and, maybe, thanks for still assuming i'm a little cool... maybe, at least one of you thinks that.

If You Were a Mouse...Would You Live in My Grill?

2008-05-28T21:46:00.003-04:00

That's a serious question.

'Cause yesterday, I came home ready to continue developing my grill master skills and found a not so little surprise in my freakin grill.

Honestly, I'm new at grilling. Recently I decided it is a skill I should learn so I've been working on it. I know how to turn on the propane, do the burner thing and hit the ignite button. For a while that approach was very successful then the ignitor button stopped working. I thought it was a propane problem. I was wrong. So now when I want to use the grill I have to light the burner thing with a match. The first attempt at this was scary and took numerous tries. The wind wasn't helping. The damn match kept getting blown out before the match was dropped it in the grate to ignite. Pain in the ass. It was kinda funny though.

Then yesterday, I learned that the grill has a nifty little hole on the side that gives you easy access to the burner where you need to light it. Genius...god bless those grill designers. So, after a conversation with my Dad I was convinced to give the grill another try last night. I was planning to grill a burger and the "skillet" burger just isn't as good.

I went outside; told my dad to hold on while I try this new ignite through the hole trick then told him to wait and see if I scream. If I scream, I likely just ignited my face--he should consider calling for help.

I put the phone down. Opened the lid. Turned on the propane. Lit the match. Stuck it in the hole and leaned around to turn the nob for the burner.

As I glanced toward the burner, I saw little tiny feet.

Yes, little tiny feet.

It freaked me out.

I glanced at the match--which had blown out--looked back up and EYES were staring at me. The big, brown eyes of a very scary mouse...with tiny little feet.

I screamed. Like a girl. Loud enough for the neighborhood to hear. And, I might have let the F-word slip out very loudly. I heard the window behind me shut. Whoops.

Then I picked up my phone. Of course, my dad thought the scream was a joke. (thank god i didn't actually scream because i lit my face on fire.) In a slightly panicked state I told him that a rat was in my grill. (I swear, it was big. I thought it was a rat at first.) Then, cause my heart rate was high enough, the fuzzy little guy scurried out and ran past me. At this point, I realized it was a mouse...I was more freaked out...I thought it was a second one. I feared a family made a home in my grill.

With some encouragement, I looked into the grill. No more mice. But could there be mice droppings? Was my grill unsanitary? We all know that I'm not a huge fan of germs.

But, I persevered. I mean, really... a little extra flavor in the burger... that could be a good thing.

So, I lit the grill (successfully) and let it burn for like 20 minutes. Then I threw my burger on. And when it was done cooking, I left the grill on for another 30 minutes to try and burn whatever was in there off.

Hopefully, there will be no more mice in my grill. I think I showed the little guy whose boss. I'm not afraid of mouse eyes staring at me. Or tiny little feet. Hell no. I'm tough. I'm a grill master in training. (But I did think about putting out a shoe box so the mouse could make a little home. Maybe we could be friends. Eat cheese together. I love cheese.)

And I did scream like a girl. Which seems fair, I think.

I wonder if grilled mouse smells bad? Gross.

I Think I Smell a Convert....???

2008-05-27T20:57:00.003-04:00

Something smells lately.

Maybe its because the weather is heating up which means my own non-deodorant infused body odor is cranking up a notch OR could it be that others have taken on the deodorant challenge....???

Are there any converts out there? Anyone trying out a natural deodorant? What's the experience been?

Honestly, I wear deodorant even less in warm weather. Seems backwards (shocker) but I'm always worried about the white stuff when I wear a tank top. I'm much less worried about my natural scent.

I recently finishee my Tom's of Maine Apricot deodorant and switch to lavender. I like that. I really like lavender. I have lavender deodorant. A lavender candle (all natural, soy candle with essential oils). I have lavender essential oil which I have made into a room spray (with eucalyptus) and a very nice body spray of sorts. I also have dried lavender in some vases in my condo. Maybe I'm overdoing it but I really like it. It's calming. So nice.

Another option is to give baking soda a try. You can mix it with water and toss it right on your pits. And, hey...you don't have to believe me that this works. I'm just a nerdy, crunchy PR flack with some wacky ideas. Check out this write up from one of those really smart kids at MIT.

Another website offered this recipe:

Baking Soda Powder and Cornstarch Mixture
Baking soda is an alkaline that helps in the rapid evaporation of sweat. To get a hundred percent natural deodorant make a mixture of equal quantities of baking soda and cornstarch. You can also add a few drops of essential oil to make it lightly scented. Apply on dry underarms.

Come on... I know you are out there. If you made a switch, speak up. And be proud! You smell better and you've ditched chemicals.

Maybe you'll decide you want to be a dirty, little hippie when you grow up too. We can start a smelly commune together and live off the land.

You Don't Need Overalls To be a Farmer: Join a CSA

2008-05-13T10:11:00.003-04:00

Or maybe you don't need to be a farmer to wear overalls. I keep thinking overalls are gonna come back in style. This thought is fueled by the resurgence of NKOTB or is it New Kids on the Block? Last time I wore overalls, I had a huge Jordan button pinned on the front. Oh yeah...I was a cool kid. Maybe I should dig those up... at least the Jordan button. But that really has nothing to do with the topic of this post (shocker): Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) also known as Farmshare also know as get really fresh veggies for a great price while supporting community farmers (also--on occasion--known as "seriously stacey, you are such a crunchy, nerd...but your super fresh salad looks really yummy"). Two years ago I joined a the Heirloom Harvest CSA and I love it. Every program is a little different but here is the most simple explanation of how it works: You make a monetary (approx $500-650)and (usually) small time commitment to a farm that has a CSA program in the late winter/early spring. This payment entitles you to part of the bounty when the crops are ready (typically a weekly bounty from June through sometime in late October). Simple as that. (Or, if you are detail person and want to know more, BuyFresh has a good more in-depth explanation.) But the benefits really go far beyond the simple explanation.

SUPER Fresh Veggies: With most programs, you pick up your share from the farm once a week. And the veggies are literally picked that day. No 3,000 mile treks from California or Mexico or wherever...just a short drive from the farm to home. Sometimes I even snack on the veggies in the car. (Yes...even before a really good wash. My CSA is organic and dirt is natural and doesn't bother me)

AMAZING VARIETY: In the last two years, I have eaten veggies that I never even heard of like Bok choy (okay fine I heard of that before but I though it was a karate move not a veg). I've learned that beets are really yummy and brussel sprouts look so cool on the big stalks they grow on (did you even know they grow on stalks??)...plus, I actually think brussel sprouts are good.

SO MANY VEGGIES (especially tomatoes). Can You Say Homemade SALSA?...We split a share amongst four people (all decent veggie eaters) and even still many weeks everything doesn't get consumed. Tomatoes always get used (salsa, salsa, salsa). Tomatillos (so cool) always get used. (Those two things drastically impact my margarita consumption--which I try to make from scratch....not very well.) Beets now get used. Cukes all eaten. Celaric root and the fifth week of kale...okay, not always eaten. Oh, I've even gotten really cool edible flowers. I make myself a salad, put flowers on it and pretend I'm eating at the Four Seasons...East Cambridge style.

FULFILL LIVE LONG DREAM OF BEING A FARMER: I think I could move to Vermont sometimes. Maybe have a little farm/garden with some of my favorite veggies and stuff...a big yard...a big dog.... spend afternoons pulling weeds and playing in the dirt and drinking lemonade (with vodka) on the porch. Sounds nice and relaxing. But for now, I'm sticking to my EC hood...and my time on the farm in Westboro. Its a nice break. As a group of four, we spend about 8 hours volunteering on the farm. Planting, picking, chewing on straw, talking about bonfires and riding horses into the sunset. Its nice.

SUPPORT LOCAL FARMERS: Need I say more? And, if anyone knows of a program to support local cowboys, please let me know. I'll pay the fee to join that program.

And the obvious, it's GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT. Less transport, less chemicals, preservation of local land.

AND many programs offer dairy, meat and even wine shares. Yum.

If you are interested, check out this site for more info.

How Dumb Am I? So Dumb.

2008-05-11T16:40:00.005-04:00

My friend Jon couldn't have posted his "How Dumb am I?" blog at any better moment. Nothing like having a really shitty day thinking about how dumb you are, turning on the computer for a little humor and escape, and finding that blog post. Damn him.

I thought about responding on his comment section but I've been waaaaay too dumb to just drop it in a comment box. I need more space. More time. Plus, writing an entire blog about how dumb I am right now is just a dumb idea. Add it to the list...

Where do I begin?

I've always been a passionate person. Filled with love and rage. Some would say more love than rage. Others would say more rage than love. Regardless, this mix has lead to some very choice decisions... like ripping all the posters off my brother's bedroom wall because I was mad at him. Or, throwing my curling iron into the wall (perfect angle--it stuck right in the wall--couldn't have planned it better than that..this was during big hair days). Or, opening the car door and threatening to jump out during a drive to school with him. Alright fine, my brother and I did a lot of fighting growing up. Most of which was really,really, dumb.

The dumbness isn't limited to my interaction with my brother. My entire family has experienced my dumbness. Classic dumb memories with my sister include a drunken "dance off" (her then boyfriend witnessed this crazy night and i knew after this that anyone that could deal with us and specifically my sister's behavior was meant to be with her forever. god bless this kid... he didn't get scared and run. he married my sister. and, geez...they are really freakin adorable) and many many fights with hair pulling, biting, slapping...the works. Oh, and who could forget the time in high school that we ran away. We didn't make it very far before we freaked out about skipping school and driving 45 minutes in the direction of nowhere. DUMB. (It does make me laugh thinking about it though.)

Then there is the year I didn't speak to my dad. DUMB.

Or the way I treated my mom and step dad the first year after college when I came home for the summer. DUMB. Really freakin dumb. And kinda mean.

Then there are more recent dumb activities, including but not limited to:

Wearing leggings even though they are probably out of style and I am way to close to 30 to be wearing them anyways
Experimenting with beer as the sole source of nourishment for oneself
Skipping deodorant three days in a row (one day without a shower)
Wearing a "shelf bra" 5 out of 7 days a week (yes, mandy...I realize my boobs are sagging more and more day by day)
Listening to a song (on repeat) that makes me really sad

Those are the easy ones to admit. Dumb things. But there is so much more. So I've boiled it down to this (with a little help from a book). I've made dumb decisions...and often the dumb decisions are rooted in fear.

When fear drives what you do, you're going to make some bad decisions. So its time to move beyond fear. I'm going to take risks of a different kind...risks that are rooted in love and opportunity. I'm not going to give up because I'm afraid. I'm gonna focus on doing things out of love by nature then there will be less bad decisions.

It's time to start fresh. You can't go back into the past. You can only go ahead to the future. I'm moving forward. Less dumb. Less afraid. More smart. More vulnerable. More real and true. Ready to experience extreme authentic happiness and sadness...rooted in love, not fear.

I don't want to make any more dumb decisions....inevitably they will happen....but I hope they stick to fashion mishaps not real things with real people.

And, soon...I'll stop listening to the really sad song on repeat. Maybe.

Being an Adult Sucks. Anyone Want to go to the Prom?

2008-05-05T20:26:00.003-04:00

Today I committed to behaving like an adult. It sucked and I sucked at it.

There was a time not that long ago (long ago being very different depending on who you ask) that the biggest concern of the spring season was prom. Prom dates, prom dresses, prom dinners, prom court, prom night, after prom, the day after prom. Prom. Prom. More prom.

I feel bad for my mom and step dad just thinking about it. Not only did they have to deal with three kids attending at least seven proms they had to buy dresses, order flowers, set rules (and no one likes rules on prom night. not parents. not dates.), take pictures, and pretend that each and every date was great. My brother and sister made this much easier than I did. I can't remember for sure but they might have both gone to prom with the same person each year. Hmmm....not me. I have the unfortunate character trait of thriving on variety. Prom was no different. Different year. Different date.

And, every year prom was on the same weekend as Mother's day. That's just really unfair. Cause not only did my mom not get to spend her day with kids that appreciated her, we usually spent the weekend fighting about up dos, strapless bras and why we weren't allowed (cause everyone else was...for real) to spend the night at a hotel on prom night without calling or coming home. I swear to this day, nothing bad would have gone on at the hotel on those nights. Then again, I have a feeling my mom's moral compass and definition of bad is very different than mine.

Then, on Sunday, the day after prom, when the hair do was did, the make up smeared, and the glamorous prom girl morphed back into reality, we would up and leave Mom again. Headed to Cedar Point. Cause riding roller coasters is what everyone wants to do the day after prom.

If I could go back to that, I would. In a heartbeat. To have my biggest concern be whether or not someone was wearing the same dress or if my hair would look right or if my date would come over on time. Life would be so great.... okay, maybe not great. But simple.

Instead, I'm stuck in adult world. Trying to behave like an adult. And, all I really want is to go to Prom again. I want a corsage. I want a candle melted into a champagne glass. I want my picture taken next to a pillar with really horrible flowers. I want to be picked up at home by a date that gets nervous around my parents.

And, I want to say I'm sorry to my mom for always leaving her on Mother's Day. This year, I'm going home the weekend after Mother's Day. It's a trip for me but I told my Mom its a Mother's Day gift. This year, for Mother's Day, I'm letting her be a Mom again. Cause no matter how old I get and I how adult I try to be, I always get to be her kid.

Until then, I'll keep trying to behave like an adult. Maybe with some practice, I'll get better at it. Or, maybe not.

Next up....back to green. I swear. And, I'll try to be more consistent with this. I've been really busy doing absolutely nothing lately.

PS. If I had a scanner and a picture, I would so share a prom picture. Thank God. I don't.

PPS. I think my senior prom theme was "Wonderful Tonight." Eric Clapton. Classic. Even in Indiana, we have our classic moments.

Survival of the Fittest

2008-04-26T20:44:00.004-04:00

whew. i just survived and i am very proud. nerdy and loner-like but i am proud. for the first time ever, i went to a bar (a local bar not a "i'm on a biz trip and eating at a bar by myself" or "i'm only in london for a few weeks and exploring" kinda bar visit) and had a few beers and ate dinner. I actually spent 2.5 hours there....alone. and, i even made a few friends. and yes, some one offered to buy me a beer (after he told me he thought I was 16 and he was 57. Hey....I take what I can get. And, for the record, I bought my own beer.)

for some, this bar trip would not be an accomplishment. but for me, it was. I'm not totally on my own all that often so doing things alone isn't usually necessary. But I liked it.

honestly... i sat at the bar, in my neighborhood having my first drink in fear of the guy that works there asking where my "friend" is...(cause friend is a safe description of anyone you been seen with)...and as I thought about this I thought....geez, i need another beer. so i did.

then, i ordered a dinner. and sorta wished i had a book like the person beside me. but i am not good at this "hang out at the bar alone thing" so i totally came empty handed and knowing no one was going to call or text i didn't even have that as an escape. damn it. not even my mom was going to call cause I so rudely ditched her earlier in the day. rude. rude. rude. mom-i'm sorry. i can't wait to come home and see you.

but i survived nonetheless.

a guy started playing music. (granted one song was really kinda sad and combine that with a few beers and I thought i might cry. that was until i started laughing at myself for feeling like i was fighting back tears. At a bar. Alone. On saturday Night. But, hey...I'm totally cool, people. This is what people dream of. Or have nightmares about.) Something like that.

And I ate my dinner. Then, I made friends. And I chatted. Then I left. Walked the entire .5 miles home feeling proud. And nerdy. Cause I kinda wanted to blog about it. And blogging about your single bar trip which ended before most people actually go out on saturday maybe isn't worth blogging about.

Baby steps, kid. Life is about living...

Live. Live. Live. Whatever that means to you.

Thankfully perhaps, I'm not alone very often. But, its a good reminder that I can get by on my own.

And as a plug for my favorite neighborhood bar, I adore Atwoods. If you are ever in EC, check it out. It really doesn't get better than this. And the guy playing the really good tunes and occasional sad song...Matt Hebert (i think). Totally sounded like WERS music. Which leads me to my next blog topic...stay tuned.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........